Listen to my story. This… might be our last chance. Spoiler alert: none of the main cast dies because as you can clearly see they’re all sat here So there’s not really a sense of danger. Oh, and obviously the main villain isn’t dead yet either Otherwise, we wouldn’t all be sat here looking miserable and I just told you this might be our last chance So don’t ever think he’s dead for good when I’m telling the story, so… Uhh, Yeah, try to enjoy the story! Ohh my god, its him! Oh we love you! Have our babies! *Crying intensifies* Ladies, Ladies! One at a time! Sign my Blitzball! Beat it, kid! Sign my breasts! No problem *Fangirl screeching* That’s not how it happened and you know it Hey everyone, it’s me: The famous blitzball player No one cares!
You Suck! Choke on my Blitzballs, Ya F*ckin Loser! I’m Wakka. Coaching Captain of the Besaid Aurochs, Brudda! Aren’t you Jake the dog from Adventure Time? Aren’t you ratchet from Ratchet and Clank? Touche Sin’s toxin… Man. This is the best get-out-of-jail-free card ever Hey!
Sorry Sin’s toxin. Oh, That’s alright then! Hey!! Sorry. Sin’s Toxin. Oh, you silly goose! Halt! It’s okay, I was hit by Sin’s toxin. Not gonna fly, bub! Pfft. Whatever, I’m going in anyway. Awww. I suck. I did it! I’ve become a summoner! And in that very moment. I knew… …I wanted to tap that Did I say that out loud? I stand by what I said Hey Wakka, I gotta ask what’s with the hair? Well… Hey Chappu! You ready for your date with Lulu? *Strange noises behind the door* *Thicc explosion!!* Eh… I could take a leave Lulu right now HEY! Can I borrow some of your hair gel? Wait, what? EWW! You’ve had that in your hair this whole time? Why do you do that? Who are you doing that for? The slowly fading corpses of the monsters we just killed? I’m not complaining Here we are… Kilika! People of Spira are regularly attacked by Sin… A monster that comes from the sea… So you build all your major cities, not only near the ocean, but also ON the ocean. Wow y’all are Sin’s bitches, aren’t ya? I’m starting to think you weren’t affected by Sin’s Toxin… Look who it is everyone. It’s only me. Oh, I am evil Not literally, of course *Not an evil laugh* Who is that That is Seymour Guado The… obvious from the moment you see him, Villian. How did you not know that? Uhh Umm… uh. Sin’s Toxin!! Sin’s Toxin doesn’t make you retarded *Memorable laughing intensely* *More uncomfortable laughing* This is like… super uncomfortable. Why are we watching them laugh? Hey guys, can I get it on this? *Laughs in Final Fantasy 6* *????* When I grow up, I want to be a Blitzball! Son you get out there. You be the BEST DAMN Blitzball you can be! Okay!! I’m proud of you kid So your plan to kill the gargantuan monster that was born from… …overusing machina and has destroyed entire cities that were over using machina is to Hold its babies hostage, over use machina, and attack it with a railgun and small army? Yep Well sign us up, bro Well, it’s anyone’s guess why that failed People die and Yuna dances, when will she stop dancing? It does seem a bit insensitive *Farts in relief* Oh…God! I’ve been holding that in for days I’m Rikku, by the way Sh*t I’d still hit it If we are to be Wed, I must know, Maester Seymour, what’s with the hair? well Oh my… You’re early! Now remember boys not in the hair. I have to address the nation tonight I don’t think we should get married I keep telling you Final Fantasy guys to tone down the flashy celebrations!! Doctor there’s a Mr. Strife. Mr. Wallace and Miss Lockhart here to see you. Now Cloud, What have I told you about swinging your sword around when you win battles? Hey, what are you doing man? I’m lightning dodging Why? To get a secret weapon part. Duh. Heads up!! That was close if you’re not careful, she’ll ruin your franchise. My what? Your French Fries see Right I don’t get it Hey Lulu, you got a potion? I’m hurting bad Sure Uh-huh. You got those spheres we won from that last battle? Yeah, they’re in here somewhere… Uhh Okay, you got that sword I gave you to hang on? Hold on… Let me just… Uhh, Here it is! That does it. I gotta get to the bottom of this What the hell? Oh its you. We keep your stock over in isle Double D I’m bleeding out of orifices I didn’t even know I had. Just touch the save-point! You’ll be fine! WHOA Incredible! This gives me an idea… For freedom What am I doing with my life? Jecht loved you No Homo He did not say that Tell my son I love him No homo I know Al-Bhed, because I AM Al-Bhed. Say whaaaaaaaaaat How did you not know? She uses Al-Bhed gear, she has spirialy pupils, Al-Bhed have been…. …showing up ever since she joined us She even dresses exactly like an Al Bhed Those are some very subtle hints As I die… I must use My last moments to fall into a complex specific shape resembling my religion’s symbols It’s symbolic What the hell he was already dead and they were innocent Trust me. I just saved us from three very annoying boss battles Yuni will die when you summon the final Aeon It kills Sin, but it also kills the summoner… Wait, what why didn’t any of you tell me this? It was too hard to say No it wasn’t. Rikku said it just fine. Oh I Guess we just don’t really like you Aha! I have found Yuna! Where? Use that gizmo that somehow lets us see her in high definition I use it to watch her shower! Yeah, yeah. I get it, you’re inbred! We’ll have plenty of jokes about that in the 10-2 nutshell. Just show us Yuna and not naked I mean what she’s doing in this exact moment of time Yep, there she is Looks like she’s getting married. Oh, a wedding. I hope there’s a band and lots of beautiful flowers Oh, oh, I’m going to have to get a new dress. God damnit son I’m gonna punch you in your little bitch testicles. If you don’t shut up In fact, I’m gonna do it anyway! We’re under attack and we need supplies Certainly, will you be using cash or plastic? What? You do realize if we fail you die, too I have faith in your abilities Screw that, rob his ass! Oh Crap Hey get out of here you Didn’t I behead you so you wouldn’t come back to life and do exactly this this is a parody It doesn’t have to make sense or have continuity Now I must go. My planet needs me So are we just ripping off the Simpsons now? see? no continuity, Don’t worry, I can fly Relax she’s probably gonna summon Valefor mid fall and.. Or she was just nuts. Halt right there. Seriously guys we’re giving ourselves up We fought through like 20 of these guys to get here and we’re giving up because they’re pointing guns at us We got sprayed with fire and countless bullets from these assholes already. Ohh You all suck. I wish I didn’t exist No one survives the Via Purifico Do you think maybe we should have killed them instead of chucking them into an escapable swimming pool? Dude, no one survives the Via Purifico I know, but it’s just I’ve been down there before And well, it’s like super easy to escape. No survivors. All of your problems can be solved by a very long underwater kiss to the sound of a Japanese love ballad. Oops, I forgot how long I can hold my breath for Well Seymour, I made it despite your directions. Ah grandmaester Mika welcome. I hope you’re prepared for an unfor… Come on now, buddy. You were warned We have arrived of the calm lands. The calm lands, huh? So I assume it’s nice and peaceful here? The complete opposite we’ll encounter more random monsters here than anywhere else in Spira thought so No, this Kimahri fight alone Ok, buddy knock yourself out Sh*t I’ve totally neglected his sphere grid Hey look on the bright side At least we can definitely pass now, right? Look who it is everyone. It’s me.. Seymour!! Rikku go warn the others you’re not fighting him alone. Well, duh. That’s why I said go warn the others This is our This is my story That’s kind of rude Yeah kind of like to think we all contributed equally to the narrative and besides No, one even says your name out loud in this story asshole You just did What? What is he doing it’s been standing there for hours And then Yuna and I laughed like mentally-challenged seagulls for a minute and that was just awkward for everybody After that, we carried on down the Mi’hen road and got into a random battle we won. Then we walked a few steps in another random battle. we had to run away cuz Yuna dead… again and Then we walked a bit more and again another random battle. I say we carry on without him We’re here. the Hall of the final summoning Go. Yes That’s it? She goes off to get her final aeon and die and we don’t even say goodbye? Not even a goodbye handy J? You’re a pig Welcome to Zanarkand. That’s Lady Yunalesca? hot damn You know, I hate to break it to you but you were clearly named after daddy’s favorite stripper And just for that I’m gonna kill you first kill as in XP grind on my junk till I level up in my pants? Not gonna lie, I’d still hit that This is a colossal beast that’s been shredding up entire continents and your best bet is chucking a sports ball at it You got a better idea No behold my final form Okay, you’re just being tedious for the sake of it now, aren’t you? Nu uh! I have motives. I have character! You.. really don’t the final battle awaits us Everyone ready? Yeah Let’s finish this it is time let’s f*ck do this. We’ll show Yu Yevon who’s boss Where’s he gone now? He’s gone for a game of blitzball What how? I don’t know he just kind of walks up to save points and vanishes He’s been doing it all the time. Haven’t you noticed he’s been gone for hours at a time randomly? Honestly, I’ve just been grateful for some goddamn me time I mean, sometimes I just get so sick of his voice, but you know what, I mean? Go Aurochs. Oh, hey guys. So what are we doing? Crashing Yuna’s wedding? I hate you Yeah, I hate you, too So does literally everyone who has heard you speak. I’m going to turn into a giant monster now and kill you that is how much I hate you Not so fast Yu Yevon, I’ve got a bunch of your racist and homophobic tweets all the way from 2007. Oh Wow. Oh there was a lot of jokes about Seymour Wuf and how much you hate the Al Bhed? Sh*t I love you Did anyone ever actually get his name? -No
-Not once ever
– I think it was like Tight or something right? Didn’t we say it was asshole and one of the sketches? You Who else? Gordon as walk because I was working actively added to Final Fantasy one in the dawn of souls remake. That’s a useless piece of trivia Greg my baby Oh Daddy has missed you. I thought I’d would never find you again You’re lucky. I don’t stand by where you left it back and watch it that door They wanted to tow it, but I moved it to terror for you. And then Kuja shenanigans dumped it here Thanks, Greg. You’re the best Now about our deal I’m working on it yuffie Revive the thief Roger. No, not Roger. Thief Don’t… don’t make stupid jokes like that, man Dying sucks. Oh No, not you guys thief. I need you to think look inside your mind and Unlock the power The power to save us all from the void of unused characters I’m telling you I Don’t know what you’re talking about Listen here you little bitch. I Abandoned everything for this quest If you don’t pull whatever power it is that you have out of your ass in the next five seconds. Okay, Okay. Look, it’s not a power. It’s a curse They were going to wipe out all of our worlds unless we could amuse the gods I did a terrible thing in order to spare us all gods? Well our worlds there just play things to amuse millions Well more like hundreds of thousands, but it’s still a lot What do you mean? Don’t you get it? We are just jokes hollow jesters with glorified sentience tail limitations of Legends These worlds are satire. They are born than destroyed when they fill their purp… No We have to get out of here. What? why? I have so many questions This world is done for they don’t need it anymore. We have to go save the doctor. They’ll be able to help Doctor Who? No. No not him. No, who? who is the doctor? Someone doomed to the same fate as this world unless we save them quickly into the car Where are we going? Vana’diel Where? I have literally Never heard of that place Is it in Salamand? It’s Final Fantasy 11. We’re going to Final Fantasy 11 Geez, now someone else has to say something badass to leave this on a cliffhanger It’s time the OUTcast become the INcast No, that was lame. We’ll leave Greg behind. He’ll come up with something Breaking out on your promises again? No matter I’ll catch up with you You can’t escape me