Blended Life Religion and Judgement In a Blended Family


right hello everyone welcome to blended
life I am Eric this is my wife Julie hey everyone and what’s tonight’s topic
so if you guys follow our social media you’re gonna see already a rant on there
but tonight we’re gonna discuss Church faith judgment on blended family and
divorce alright because I think that something is all blended families kind
of face is just stigmas and I just want to talk about that I want to bring light
to it yeah there’s a lot of struggle with that out inside the family and
outside the family as well so yeah I get it all right
all right well first things first on Facebook and you guys can all go read
this yourselves but you know we got called out for promoting divorce that’s
right I would like to hear what you have to say do we promote divorce I sure hope
not I think divorces should always be a last
option personally but I’m a know-it-all so yeah so just to set the record
straight we are a blended life podcast we’re a blended life so that means
blended families which means the divorce has already happened by the time you get
to us but I would I just want to set the record straight you know we are not Pro
divorce like yes you should get divorced when the families are way better than
natural families because that’s not even true I mean genuinely it’s in your kids
best interest if you can keep your family together and you can raise them
up in a loving respectful even if you’re not in love with each other anymore you
know but if you can be Co if you can just be respectful and honoring of just
who the other person is I think that that is beneficial to
children to be under one roof right and the grass isn’t greener blended life is
hard it is extremely hard not seeing your kids is hard well it’s not just
hard on you it’s hard on everyone you know like we’ve talked on some of our
previous podcasts it’s hard on the grandparents it’s hard on you know all
the extended family it started on the children it’s hard on us it’s hard on
everybody yeah and so you know and I’ve spoken about
this last time too but for people who have had to walk away from their
marriages you know you’re choosing the lesser of two evils because staying in a
abuse abusive or toxic marriage is a lose for everyone you know and then
splitting up your family is also a loose for everyone and so you really have to
weigh and pray about it and take it to God and figure out what is the lesser of
two evils but I just want to say like we’re not advocates for divorce by any
means that is not our message that is not even what we believe in so I just
find it pious and ridiculous that somebody would say that the analogy is
saying like a rehab centers a an advocate for drug yeast or alcoholics
you know like you know so perfect by the time you get there you already had this
problem you already have this situation in your life right and you’re now trying
to fix it and make amends with it and learn to live and cope and live a better
lifestyle and a better you that’s right with it right that’s so we are trying to
be not even a rehab we’re not trying to be the doctors and the there’s no we’re
just trying to come up with good help topics and tips and bring everyone
together and help you guys embrace light two issues we all struggle and help us
as well you know this is not easy we were just
having a deep conversation literally two minutes before we started and it’s one
of those things that you deal with these things in blended
families you deal with these things in marriages and this is just one of those
things yeah so let’s skip to judgments because another thing on there that you
know I get judged all the time and I always have because you know married
three times and I wanted to talk about faith you know work Christian but
there’s many religions out there and most religions really frown upon divorce
and so don’t really embrace a blended family and what I found when it comes to
me because my first marriage as we all know I had no say in it ending my second
marriage I did walk away from so I get judged all the time when people find
this out like how can you be a Christian woman and walk away from your marriage
like that doesn’t reconcile in people’s minds and all I can tell you is that God
released me from my marriage right you can believe that or not you could think
that’s a bunch of shit sorry I get very emotional about this or not but that’s
between me and God so it doesn’t really matter I guess that’s the with the
takeaway of this you’re gonna have things in your life that make sense to
you that you’ve wrestled with with God that you’ve prayed about and meditated
over or whatever it is and at the end of the day other people’s judgments are
ignorant because they have no idea who you are
they don’t know your struggle they don’t know what you had to live through or go
through and I really get frustrated with pious people who claim to be Christian
and sit there and judge you in a way Jesus would never do and I just need
everyone to sit with that because it drives me absolutely crazy did you
thought you were gonna say a bad word and then crazy no but you know
I’m sure you guys can relate to what I’m saying and so I just put churches well
first of all I that’s the biggest judgment I get right walking Li for my
marriage of being Christian right have you been judged at all like your
situation is different you did not walk away from your marriage but as far as
like being divorced doesn’t matter you don’t have to walk away from your
marriage to get judged you really going through a divorce you find out who your
friends are email where your family stands with you or stood with your
relationship with your marriage sometimes things will come out of the
closet really like I have no idea that you felt that way about our marriage or
about my spouse or my ex spouse you know a lot of times friends and family will
keep that stuff to themselves or you know is so unhelpful like it’s funny
you’re broken right your marriage is over and you’re broken and now we’re
just gonna add insult to injury and tell you hold to the wound yeah we’re gonna
tell you all the ways we hated whatever right what is that like
I mean you kept it to yourself for 10 years you know keep it here so you can
call Kyle right now oh it’s a joke it’s an inside joke oh
you have inside joke with people yeah well that’s one of my hockey buddies
it’s Taylor hey so I like you Wow Sokka so on the internet a big meme is like
Kyle and he drinks monster and he punches hole in drywall either punches
holes in drywall and everything so we had these funny we played this outdoor
roller hockey league and we were the hood rats this season number one thank
you and we wore wifebeaters and we always
have like funny names that we put on so Taylor made these jerseys for us with
with we’re the hood rats and all of our numbers and our nicknames were
spray-painted and black on our on our wifebeaters and mine was Kyle cuz my
only down is that I drank monsters I I don’t I don’t smoke I don’t I don’t
drink anything else it’s you know yeah anyway so it was funny so he’s saying
girl ha ha ha so yeah judgments with families that’s really hard
mm-hmm I don’t know did you find it helpful like how did you feel when
people were unloading on you like all the negative about know what after it
was over did it make you feel like better than at the time at the time you
want to go all Kyle on him you want to go smash drywall and and smash bases and
you know it angers you to your core what the judge made the judgment but then you
step back from it and you’re like who are these people to me they well it
wasn’t coming from my family it was coming from my ex friends and her
friends and you know and you’re hearing all this yeah negative nitpicking just
people just tearing you down yeah about things that maybe you have
done maybe you have never done or maybe situations that are just completely
misconstrued here’s an exciting one so I got during the divorce like right after
I got served papers and I’m sitting there fighting for my marriage and her
friend comes over to pick up something I don’t remember how how I ended up around
her but I was basically calling her my wife you know my wife you know and I’m
talking to her about this and she got so angry with me and said she is not your
wife she is not yours you can’t label her as yours and I mean my argument was
like well these are my kids these this is my wife this is my family you’re
standing at my house how can how do you take that that label away right so so if
she got so angry at me for calling her my wife is that I can’t call her that
how do you argue against your wife it doesn’t matter if she wasn’t no she was
basically mad at me for for your being possessive or something possessive an
ownership on her and I’m like whoa I’m not trying to lock her in my basement
she punched her holes on the way out but so that’s it that’s a pretty insane
one so judgment like that where I’m like this is stuff that any other time would
be acceptable right I call you my wife right does that offend you yes yeah no
it’s just it’s it’s crazy there’s a lot of judgments flying and you know if
you’re getting that from friends and family I mean you can choose who you
talk to or not you know I think that you need to have
boundaries yeah you know and that is so true we had somebody comment on a post I
wrote and he said yeah same thing like you get divorced and lose all your
friends and I guess the person with the biggest mouth wins with the nastiest
lies and rumors right I dealt with that too I heard some pretty horrendous
things about myself that were not true lost friends for a minute because I
didn’t feel supported and for me I easily can shut people out I’ve done it
my whole life it’s not a healthy Mecca defensive mechanism but it lives within
me and so I you know it was a healthy tool at the time because you know you
can only take so much toxicity in your life when you’re already broken and
you’re already feeling all the feelings and dealing with becoming a single
parent and what your new lifestyle is gonna look like like you didn’t have
room and then all of that adds up and then you’d have to go fight it in the
courtroom I didn’t have to do that you didn’t I did you did and we actually had
I had a conversation about this last night with a couple other guys and going
and dealing with family law court Family Court is the most insane thing I’ve ever
done in my life because you are proving guilty or you’re innocent you’re guilty
until proven innocent and there were so many accusations made where I’m like how
do I argue against something that is completely false or completely flipped
how do I prove myself innocent where the law states that you should have to
be proven guilty right so rather than giving them facts in court they’re
basically giving them these statements in asking me to prove them yeah so she
could say whatever she wanted and then you the burden of proof was on you and
there was some insane things done and basically all I could do is count her
back with crazy insane things that were being done and then basically at the end
of it the judge is like you’re both nuts that was literally like that I mean for
lack of a better word exactly how I wish I we should probably get the transcripts
and read them on air she basically told us were both crazy and I’m like
literally all I’m doing here is trying I was trying to save my marriage and I’m
trying to be the best father that I can be and I’m trying just to do the right
thing by everyone in her I am just being crazy
yeah you got taken to the cleaners yeah but you know what another part of that
conversation though was at the end of this and at the end of all this BS and
you can go ahead and say it I’ll bleep it out for you but at the end of this I
have an excellent relationship with my children I have lots of time with my
children and I basically you can’t put a price on that that’s right
that’s all really all that mattered to me if I wasn’t gonna save my marriage it
doesn’t matter I’m gonna have the best relationship with my children as
possible and I’m gonna be there for them I show up for them and I’m not gonna be
one of those people that step away just because I’m hurt and I’m broken and it’s
not going my way and it’s not going in my favor and I’m just gonna leave my
complete complete family behind right so I I did the best I could with what I
could and yeah it might have not gone my way but at the end of the day I have an
excellent relationship with my children and that’s what matters that is right
and that’s you winning at the end of it regardless of anything else that was
between the adults it’s not really about the adults in the end anyway right do
you think that do you guys I don’t know do you feel judged anymore do you hear
rumors and any judgments anymore has that kind of died down for you yeah
that’s died down I haven’t had that in years I mean at
least regarding my divorce in my previous marriage yeah I mean I feel
like you’re always gonna have judgment in a small town but it’s not like high
school or right after high school it all kind of dies down people mature up right
and at the end of the day I don’t I don’t carry around a big I don’t I don’t
hey I’m going out with my friends or hey I’m gonna go party and go hang out this
person I don’t do that a lot I have a few close friends that I see here and
there yeah and I talk to all the time yeah you know and I go play hockey with
and that’s kind of my core group of friends but really it’s kind of with me
it’s all about family and totally yeah you know in our work that is true so and
I love that about you that you are so family-oriented and you know you really
do focus on our family a whole lot and they appreciate that Thanks it matters
well you guys matter and it’s it’s important because you basically have to
make your family your priority if that’s what you want you know it’s it’s about
you know going after what you what your heart desires you know and it’s and it’s
about the family and we learn about this in church and you know if I’m going out
and I’m and I’m drinking with the buddies and I’m hanging out after dark
and you know going out and doing things well my family’s gonna be the one that’s
gonna suffer or my relationship with my family is gonna suffer yeah I mean you
shouldn’t have any of that no but you are successful at what you prioritize
exactly you know so if your family isn’t your top priority then you can’t expect
to have a super solid marriage a super solid relationship with your kids even
your in-laws like or your your own parents you have to show people they
matter I remember when I got divorced I the second time with my kids father
thanks for answering my question I’m learning so I had like two really really
good friends that I’ve been friends with forever and
they come and I was completely taken aback by it
I wasn’t even hurt I was just more like where did this come from but they were
so not they were really confused why I was getting divorced they thought it was
sinful and they didn’t really think that that was they weren’t trusting that it
was the best decision with them being good friends yeah did they know all your
situation like or where they were you telling him they weren’t hearing or um
people got really people got glimpses here and there into what was going on
but another thing with judgment right you never know what’s happening behind
closed doors and in my situation in my marriage you know it was one way when we
were out with people you know I was treated well with the exception of a
couple times but I you know I was treated fine when there was an audience
friends and family and then behind closed doors it was a completely
different situation and my kids saw that you know my kids got to witness the
behind closed doors and that was like the beginning of the end because they
couldn’t think that that was okay you know and um you know just desperate on
my knees crying not knowing what to do struggling with it myself but the
judgment for my good friend so the answer your question I mean I think they
got a glimpse like they knew who I was married to but they didn’t get the full
picture right and none of you have it you know ones behind no one else is
behind closed doors with another married couple so when you’re getting judged you
know you have to keep that in mind to like people don’t know they’re ignorant
truly yeah the end of the day it really doesn’t matter what other people know
but it’s sad to say but it’s very hard yeah you know I lose what you think are
some of your best friends your closest friends some of the people that you know
may have stood by you at your wedding it’s really it was hard
and it’s hard too but I also think that’s another good lesson in life like
those friendships have come back around you know it was more of we didn’t have a
huge falling out it was just more of they didn’t really agree with what I was
doing I was really like not in a place to receive that because I was broken and
I felt righteous and I knew what I was doing was right and so if they couldn’t
understand that I didn’t have room for that to pull me down so it was kind of
like an unspoken mutual we just kind of went our own ways for a couple years you
know and then reconnected and now we’re really good friends you know them you’re
good friends with them now too and relation friendships have been flow and
I think that’s okay yeah you know let people let people think what they’re
gonna think and they’ll come back around if it’s you know meant to be or if your
life yeah exactly and if they don’t want to be in your life because they’re
judging you and they don’t you know they don’t agree with you well that’s on them
you know it doesn’t mean that they’re even wrong that’s just just you know
differences yep and that’s okay yep you know you don’t you can pick and choose
who you want in your life and who you want to have relationships with yeah and
that is there a powerful thing if you guys ever feel like you you’re hopeless
or you have no control let me tell you you have all the power in the world to
decide who your circle is who your tribe is who your friends are what you’re
going to talk about what you’re not going to talk about who you’re gonna
draw in who you’re gonna distance yourself from you know you have all the
power to set yourself up for a good support system or a non support system
either way you know we are all a lot more powerful than we even give
ourselves credit for so we’re gonna hearts on Instagram okay so moving on to
church yeah because this is something I’m also very passionate about yeah so
it’s kind of interesting I would love people to email me comment message me on
Instagram or on Facebook I want to know if your church has
support groups for blended families I haven’t you know the thing that really
irks me about though is like the lack of support in the religious realm for
blended families I think that we are the bastards of the church and it’s so
comical because God in Jesus all about Redemption
yeah truly all about readings well and there’s groups and there’s Redemption
and there’s forgiveness and there’s complete churches based around helping
diction addiction I mean you know yeah I mean we have a beautiful Church you know
three miles away from us that is based around addiction and what’s the word you
know but basically alcoholics and yeah drug addicts and basically trying to
help people which is awesome get on their feet yeah just say that I’m not
saying there’s anything negative about that right however there well I think
all of us see a big need for help in the blended family community yeah which is
obviously why we’re doing this right because blended families to marriages I
mean 70 percent divorce rate but I truly believe in it’s written on our website
like with God front and center doesn’t have to be that way you know we can
change it we just need to help people have the tools and have the space to
vent and have other families to relate to because it’s really hard to talk to
your friends and they’re like I don’t I can’t help you yeah you know it makes
you feel alone and it makes you feel frustrated anyway I mean our church has
a divorce care right support group won’t tell them what we’re thinking about
doing what’s that you tell I’m like I’m wish more like going to divorce care story for you guys yeah so our church is
going to do basically an open house of small groups right
and one of the small groups is divorce and then there’s other there’s other
little ones but there isn’t one for blended families so Julie and I are
looking to head off one for blended families if we can get to that point so
we got to pray together first my brilliant idea is well let’s go to
divorce care let’s go meet divine it shoot her head explodes right there as I
pick up the divorce care card and then we walk up to our pastor I said hey look
what we’re going he goes oh no not already I said no you know what it’d be
nice to go in and see how their program is running for something like this to
meet people and not to not to prospect people that was also the question that
we got we’re like running a dating service to
get to a blended family that’s terrible oh but kind of funny but my thought is
freak roots we’ve been through divorce so going into a care program there’s a
lot of hurt and broken people right now just searching for answers so if we can
go into a divorce care small group we might be able to shine light or be like
hey look yeah is hope afterwards we’ve both dealt with divorce it hurts
it’s hard it’s a hard thing to go through but it’s okay I mean answer
questions and help because I remember going through divorce it was one of the
oddest times of my life it’s confusing right using and it’s you know and as an
adult you’re like things shouldn’t be confusing it made so many confusing
decisions and thoughts and things run through my head that even I went to a
small group that was it wasn’t based around a divorce but there were other
people in there and it was just talking just getting a little bit of hope each
in every time right you know maybe it wasn’t what I wanted to hear because
that’s just life yeah being able to be there and show people that there is hope
anyways so learning how the program goes and then being able to start our own
and it is a place for people to go as they are on the other side of that
forest fire they’re out of the woods and they’re looking to rebuild and make a
family and it might be a blended family or they’re already an established
blended family and like there’s no guidebook you guys we got to figure this
out together right but there’s I mean I think support groups are awesome because
there is nothing worse than feeling like nobody understands you you know you are
having I feel like this daily where you’re having like these thoughts or you
have these perspectives or even feelings and people just don’t understand you and
they look at you like you’re an alien and it’s just like am I crazy they just
broke you out area51 on the raid yeah people actually read that I heard
about they trying to like a big lake you think that was ever gonna happen best of
all would be Burning Man all right but anyway I just it enrages me and it
really just me that the biggest people who judge divorced people and blended
families are Christian people you know because if you’re not Christian you
don’t really have a basis to judge you don’t really really even give credence
to divorce and you know people who believe that marriage is you know a God
ordained thing so good sacred you know those are the people who just want to
burn you at the stake and I just have to say like would Jesus do that I’m pretty
sure Jesus would sit down and have conversations and embrace us and love us
and maybe wash our feet you know I mean if a prostitute you know couldn’t be
forgiven and have her feet well perfect you know what I mean there’s so many
Bible stories that teach differently than how Christian people come at us and
it just it drives me crazy do you know what I mean I totally get it so
I don’t think that that’s right and I don’t think that that is helpful I think
that you push people away by doing that you know people aren’t stupid and people
want to be embraced and people want to be brought in you know people who are
struggling even with not even blended families but just people who are
struggling in faith they don’t want to be it’s not helpful to be judgy it’s not
helpful it’s not like you’re gonna say that you’re doing bad and they’re gonna
be like you’re right hallelujah praise Jesus I’m gonna fall to my knees and I
am going to what’s the word when you not Redemption oh gosh
repent yes okay you know because your your bad attitude and criticism are not
going to get to repentance of people you know it is pulling them in it is
encouraging them it is coming alongside them and that’s what gets people to do
that that’s what gets people to break down but when you start judging people
and you are pointing fingers and talking about people that usually only pushes
people away absolutely so as Christians you and I to
do that to someone else isn’t to love them it isn’t to do what we’re called to
do it basically does the opposite and it pushes people away and it makes people
run yeah thanks people be like I don’t want to be part of this right like this
isn’t love this isn’t everything that we’ve heard about God and in Jesus and
you know your faith this is the opposite of it and I think that when churches
don’t provide a place for blended families to exist then that also makes
them feel like they’re not included I mean like along with divorce care right
there’s you got first responders care you know group you’ve got widows you
know you’ve got cancer and just all those teams military wives and
yeah it’s all there so arms and everything what I what I loved so much
though is going to our pastor into our church staff and we go to we’re not a
mega church by any means but it’s it’s the biggest I think we’re the biggest
Church in our area yeah I mean there’s another one that’s that’s pretty big
also but it’s it’s a big it’s a big church the thousands of people go to
this thing and being able to go to our pastor and our staff and tell them this
idea and then being like that’s a wonderful idea
and they’re on board with it you know like yeah we haven’t taken any further
steps yet but knowing that they’re on board with it they’re not like no that
doesn’t sound good so if you guys do go to a church and
you’re like man that’s something I could start and that’s something that might be
good for me do it do it there’s such a need but it get out but if your church
also turns you away and goes ah I don’t think that’s a good fit for us and not
you know yet they have all these other groups you might want to rethink your
church and I’m not saying go bail on your church but we should always be
willing to help each other if you go to it if you go to a church that has a
bunch of little kids that ride scooters and every single day these kids are
getting hurt and they need to get fixed and you need to start a group to help
fix these little kids because they’re always getting hurt on scooters I’m
going to off by the crazy tangent your church should be able to especially if
you you’re the one that wants to head it off you should be able to head stuff off
that’s only gonna help and be productive and follow the word yeah of Jesus but
isn’t it curious because blended families by no means when the families
by no means are few and far between right blended families are a definite
everyone knows one I guess it’s a trend I don’t want to say that because it’s
not a trendy thing to do I’m not trying to turn it into like a trendy thing but
there are a lot of blended families and it’s a common think that’s the word
thank you it’s just so curious to me that churches like why is like it’s so
counterintuitive of them to not have this it’s like will sub
or at the end of your marriage but we won’t help you step over to the next
part of life do you know what I mean like the Boris care which should be the
part of grace and redemption right I just don’t understand and you know why
churches haven’t like it bothers me that it’s not even recognize it doesn’t been
brought to light yet people aren’t think about it when we were children
how many divorced kids did you know a handful right
not many I I couldn’t tell you honestly I don’t remember I remember one friend
my first friend that had a family or his parents get divorced and I remember it
being just such a weird thing and then I remember another one and I’m thinking
through kindergarten you know to junior high yeah I only remember there being
like four or five yeah total now you go and meet you know your
children’s children or even the friends that we know and hang out with you know
you can you can make a list longer than Santa’s you know yes the list of divorce
or blended families is longer than Santa’s nice list yeah I know it’s just
it’s a thing but I think that it’s I mean there’s marriage like let’s what
there’s there’s marriage help and there’s all that’s advocated there’s
always advocating for marriage and you could house a family like I think it
hasn’t been brought to light yet I think people know it’s there but they don’t
think about it as its own thing not even has its own thing it’s not
recognized yet no one’s really like open their eyes and gone hey this is a
problem that people need help with they see it as when you’re blending a family
think about it think of all the pictures and the Christmas cards that we get of
blended families everyone’s smiling and happy and we have these new kids and
these new parents and this is just a blessing because everyone’s coming
together and we’re making a great thing right but that’s what they’re seeing on
the outside that’s what that’s not what they’re see
behind the closed doors and what happens is we’ve already been through the
divorce and we try to not do it again you know we try to do the best we can
for our kids and we try to be the best new spouse that we can and we don’t take
a lot of these problems and put them out in the world and make try to make the
same mistakes that we did in our first divorce and I think people see the
picture that we paint and what we put out there and they don’t see that the
true struggles that blended families have and I don’t think the churches see
if you walk into if our family walks into our church eventually not a single
person in that church believes that we have a struggle in the world really you
know I mean people know that people do don’t look at our faces I don’t think so
no kids are happy they’re jumping we’re picking them up you know all the kids
are you know how was church today would you learn about and we go around as this
happy little pod then we get in the car we go what’s for lunch you have a very
positive spin on it I’m more like my suspicion is that by supporting blended
families you’re saying it’s okay to get divorced like what I was getting up
watch the whole episode there was some conspiracy theorists on there yeah well
conspiracy theory right that is what I think about it because I think that you
know it’s so easily passed over and not acknowledged at all and it’s just
curious to me there’s new moms support groups I mean they know that having a
baby is difficult you know I mean like there’s a lot of can there’s so many
support groups that I know that there’s a lot of thought into who needs help I
just don’t understand why it’s so easily passed over other than you know it’s not
it’s not right that people can have a good life after divorce do you think do
you think the church thinks that do you think that people in the church I run
into more Christians who think that than not really see I haven’t so that’s
interesting yeah I think that you know people there is
such a stigma that you are divorced and that you got
remarried and somehow that is shameful you know I think there’s a lot of shame
that surrounds blended families and I think that’s really unfortunate you know
because people people and I will say that because I do know people who have
fought to keep their marriage together and they’re miserable in their marriage
mind you like their marriage is full of sin full of abuse full of and theirs are
Christian people okay so their their marriage is full of all the sin all this
abuse all this anger all this hurt you know in all this everything that God
would not want for your marriage this marriage is filled with and they stay
and they stick it out and because they stay and they stick it out they put
themselves on this high horse that we are I am better than you
because I am staying in the sinful toxic horrific marriage because that is what
the Bible says that you’re supposed to do and you didn’t do that you just
walked away that’s a judgment I’ve gotten from this is like true stuff you
know and so they they are shaming shame on you because if I can stay in this
shitshow of a marriage and be miserable my entire life you know you should have
done that and that is the crux of the judgment in Christian churches because
marriage is hard right there is a lot of hardships and marriages blended family
or not divorced or not remarried or not when you’re in a marriage of any sort
it’s hard I don’t discount that but those people
who just you know put themselves on their high horse and their pedestal
because they stuck it out and I didn’t or you just as bad though you know in
that yes yeah you can stay in a sinful marriage all day long I don’t I don’t
think that honors God truly I don’t think a sinful marriage is honoring to
God no it’s not just as much as divorce I don’t think divorce is honoring to God
I don’t think a sinful toxic marriage is honoring
to God you know I don’t think God wants for married couples to sin and be mean
to each other and abuse one another that is not what was intended you know and if
people don’t understand that God is powerful enough to embrace blend it like
big enough to embrace planted families and powerful enough to forgive divorce
then I don’t know what God you believe in but it’s not the same God we believe
in you know and I just it just drives me absolutely crazy yeah I met a really
nice couple this weekend you actually got to meet them at church yeah and
they’re much older than us but they almost have the exact same story that we
do as far as she’s been before this is her third marriage
yes his second marriage I know they’re just they’re us like in a few decades
and that was pretty neat but to see that this kind of thing can work yeah you
know you can be happy and just because you’ve had a few divorces doesn’t mean
that you’re doomed and that you won’t find anything and you won’t be happy yes
– were happy they were they were all about each other they were you know you
get I will say through divorce and remarriage you gain a lot of perspective
a lot of wisdom and you also learn to accept things because everyone has
faults right grass isn’t greener every marriage comes with its own set of
hardships you know you just you learn – you really learn to pick and choose
what’s a big deal and what’s not and I think that’s why people who have been
married for multiple times get to a place and they’re like I’m just gonna
start accepting right because jumping ship doesn’t work and I believe that
jumping ship doesn’t work you know marriage is hard yeah and it’s always
gonna be hard and so he’s gonna have it strong but it can be so
warding yeah I know but it’s just like anything if you don’t put time and work
and focus on it and love it yeah and really just feed and nurture your
marriage it’s never gonna work no just as anything else in life yeah
and so I would say instead of judging other people focus on your own marriage
you know whether you’re in a blended family whether you are rather than
letting people talk and judge you on talked about you and judge you on social
media who cares who cares what this person said even
about us and Eric’s like Joe respawned and I’m like oh no oh hell no you did
not just say that that’s the way you put it just kidding no I’m sorry I’m I’m
just I’m half asleep right now I’m very tired
you’re tired yeah no but you know what instead of worrying about what other
people are thinking about us and just wasting that energy and getting worked
up about it and complaining about it just turn it around who cares
offend you and products represent it offends me when someone cuts me off
without their blinker on in the wrong lane I get more offended than that than
I do about trash talking on social media because at the end of the day I’m
confident in our marriage I’m confident in our relationship I’m confident in the
decisions that we’ve made or we haven’t made that it put us where we are yeah
and what other people think I’m not gonna change their mind that’s like
changing someone’s mind on the other side of the political party the
political tables you know or in a different religion than you it’s not our
place to judge those people because it’s almost just as bad no I don’t think it’s
it’s not a clap back right I’m not clapping back I’m not judging back but
what I am doing is I’m not gonna allow people to say I’m something I’m not or
say that we are promoting something we’re not and letting that be out there
that’s not going to fly all static news yeah but also it’s
super offensive when you’re representing a faith that in the hike it’s offensive
to me that you are a representative of a religion and you’re going about it in
such a judgmental way that Jesus would never have been that way and it just
doesn’t sit well like I you know and not to say I’m perfect like I we all fall
short of the glory of God but what I’m saying is Glass Houses right don’t throw
stones at glass houses if you live in like we you know whatever the the saying
goes and so I get offended when people represent faith in such a disgusting way
cook I’ll punch holes in glass house walls probably hey Brooke so Brooks
chiming in here she says that our society also doesn’t
promote or have a lot of co-parenting support all over the place like TV
commercials or magazine articles that promote and encourage positive
co-parenting no we’re starting to promote other things these days yeah
it’s crazy what gets promoted this day and age and what gets not promoted
yeah we’re yeah yeah mankind as a as a whole is kind of going off on this crazy
tangent and I don’t think that it’s all of mankind I think that it’s the media
holders and oh it’s you know just the promoters and influencers they’re the
ones taking us off on this crazy tangent for the most of us you know we’re kind
of like we see this and it’s like what the heck is happening you know what I
will say I’ve seen a lot in you know magazines or on entertainment news
social media is there is actually a lot of promoting blended families like j.lo
and a rod right everything’s like oh look at them blending their families or
you know a lot of celebrities have gotten divorced
and like they’ll have pictures of they’ll promote I think that one thing
that the entertainment world is doing very well is I know they don’t do a lot
very well right but what they are doing very well is supporting blended families
supporting co-parenting putting pictures out there that show actual co-parenting
happening that’s cool you know or blended families being out there I think
that the media is doing a good job of talking about its you know the liberal
society that’s talking about it but you know it is at least bringing up topics I
mean it’s kind of the media is putting a pink cloud over it right like they’re
they’re talking about it in a fantasy type of way like it’s all rainbows and
it’s all unicorns and look at how lovely you know these two stars were caught out
you know at the park with their child look at what great co-parenting that
looks like and look at this happy blended family you know of these two
movie stars and you know I guess I’m just grateful that blended families are
being recognized and being talked about in that positive light in a positive
light I mean it’s not very real because I know behind all those pictures is a
lot of other stuff going on but there’s no real talk out there which is kind of
why we’re doing this here but I think people can relate to feeling like we’re
a blended family and you know faith and religion play such a huge role in most
of our lives I think more people have some sort of faith belief system than
not and it’s really hard to feel like you are not embraced or acknowledged you
know or heard or you know we all need to we only people to relate to and even
more so sort of the kids like how cool would it be if the kids had a little
group where they were with other divorced kids divorced children of
divorce children of blended families where they
could all talk to each other and kind of go through life together as like a youth
group right because when the adults are meeting for blended life parenting
co-parenting yeah and kids would totally like I was
in Trader Joe’s the other day and I was kind of talking we always seem to talk
about Bunder life you and I right everywhere we go it gets brought out
which is awesome yeah I had my 14 year old son with me
and the cashier was we were talking about blended life and what we’re doing
and he’s like man I would have loved that as a kid he’s like I was part of a
divorce that was really horrific and it would have been wonderful to have other
kids to relate to when it was so hard and friendships to be made you know
relationships don’t talk you know they suppress it but if they’re surrounded in
a safe space by other kids who are going through it you know like like even that
would be amazing yeah and I just think that you know so but I’m totally
interested if any of you guys are part of a church or part of a support group I
would love to see what that looks like in and how it’s done you know please
email me please message me let me know what’s what about that do you have
anything to add about churches no I think that’s wonderful okay all
wonderful so I feel like we have time to answer some questions okay that is that
all one question no there’s a couple questions here okay I think one thing I
want to answer was an email sent to us and basically this family is having a
really hard time I’m just gonna read the email how about that all right so
everyone can hear okay my husband’s two children daughter soon 14 son is 10 my
husband’s ex-wife oh he was just she was saying it’s her husband’s children that
she’s talking about she’s a stepmom my husband’s ex-wife is extremely two-faced
and manipulative when it comes to dealing with kids and life in general I
know nothing about that she says terrible things to him through
text and then acts like nothing ever happened the next day and when we are
standoffish she gets mad and lets him have it again we have had instances with
the kids where she lies to them about a situation making us look terrible and
like we don’t care or want help when that simply isn’t true I don’t know if
she just doesn’t want them to know she says no or doesn’t want them to know
that she’s she just doesn’t want to do something she’s terribly manipulative to
the kids and it’s absolutely two-faced with family friends family and friends
your podcast on July 26 was much like our life but at this point there is
absolutely no letting go or moving on when we are getting bashed and put in
terrible situations in the beginning things were great her family was so
supportive of me and their ex son / brother-in-law
and everyone was coexisting peacefully that all changed when she gave them an
ultimatum either be social and kind to us and she wouldn’t have a relationship
with them and will keep the kids from them or act like we don’t exist Wow and
everything with them will be fine so she gave him an ultimatum that’s pretty
messed up her family called us in tears her family called us in tears telling us
what happened and that they were what they were going to do they were going to
choose her we understood but didn’t realize how they could put up with her
crap in response to being degraded and ignored in all aspects of social life I
have decided to act like she and they do not exist this is my own this is on my
own personal level however I make sure that the kids go out of their way to
talk to everyone and that comes to see them at events no matter what side of
the family they are on she does not do that in fact the kids take two if they
kids take too long they get yelled at she
will not let them how leave her side at events and keeps them from even saying
hello the point is this me being petty by acting like she doesn’t exist so
that’s what we need to answer do I need to step up and kill her with
kindness when we’ve tried it and it doesn’t work and only makes things worse
and then the third question is at the age the kids are am i doing the right
thing telling them the truth when their mom is technically lying to them we’ve
kind of dealt with both of these I think do you like I understand acting like
they don’t exist I don’t think that’s wrong I think whatever you need to do to
keep it civil and not to escalate things so the goal here is not to escalate an
already horrific situation manipulators are always gonna do that you’re not
gonna change her and if you give her anything she’s gonna run with it twist
it turn it and turn it into something else so the less you give the less
opportunity she’s gonna have to use anything that you actually say I mean
things can always get be made up yeah but the less you give at least you know
that you’re not giving any reason or anything to twist and turn and that
falls hand-in-hand with do you kill her with kindness or and I think you kind of
answered that as well in that but you’ve already tried killing her with kindness
and that isn’t working yeah don’t go the extreme and then play
the same games you know that the kindness isn’t working mm-hmm maybe just
tone it down and just do what you need to do to get things on track and flowing
as good as possible you know she’s always gonna be difficult she there’s
always gonna be that struggle there yep don’t be too nice too
now because that’s not working and that kind of gets turned around on you yeah
you’re sure you’re not going anywhere you’re gonna always do the right thing
that’s right you’re gonna always say the right thing and the part about her lying
to your kids that’s gonna get uncovered later it’s not going to right now and
it’s gonna be so frustrating now but the truth will always come out and your kids
will start to see through that because she’ll be saying one thing and you’ll be
doing another thing and the kids are gonna be like wait that didn’t add up
that’s right and it’s eventually going to make sense in their mind now if you
tell them now and I think we talked about this in the podcast that she was
talking about if you go through it and you tell them and you turn it into a big
fight in a big argument that’s not gonna help the kids either yeah you don’t even
have to you just let it play out do the best you can and it’s gonna be so
frustrating but the kids will eventually see through it yeah and my piece of
advice would be to make it like a business transaction you know acts like
this is you know it’s not personal its business so keep that in your head you
know you need to be respectful you don’t have to be best friends you don’t have
to like each other but you are co-parenting and you don’t have on
everything either no business but exactly but don’t say no to something
just because they want something all right they’re asking for something right
don’t say no just to be or way or spiteful or be on the other side of it
if it makes sense go with it if it doesn’t make sense
try to come to common grounds don’t go completely one side just because they’re
all right another well you have to you have to keep your feelings out of it
you need to make it all about the kids so what’s in the kids best interest if
every confrontation you don’t know how to handle it you ask yourself what isn’t
the best kid in the kids best interest is it in the kids best interest to tell
them their mother’s a liar no okay it’s really not your will never win by
putting down somebody else and calling them a liar – a kid who loves their
parents is a very it’s like a no-go zone right
yeah it just hurts the kids yeah like Eric said before you let that come out
on its own later you just hold your ground you be who you are you be
consistent you treat it like a business transaction you don’t get emotional you
keep it about the kids you know you don’t engage if you’re not engaged with
first or have to engage at all you know you just kind of got to take the
emotions out of it and you kind of just gotta always be like what is in the best
interest of these children because they are what matter
she doesn’t matter you don’t matter in co-parenting you know you can go scream
into a pillow at night if you need to but for that you need to save face in
front of the kids yeah so I don’t I would not get into a battle about your
mom lied about this your mom lied about that your mom’s a liar I don’t think
it’s useful in kids to comprehend that their parent is a liar that takes a
maturity level most adults don’t have okay and that just makes you look like a
bad person which you’re not you know I get that there was a righteous like I
just want the kids to know the truth and if the kids ask you a direct question on
their own not prompted then I would tell them the truth if it comes from them but
I would not unload that on children they’re not looking for that they don’t
need that it’s not it’s not going to make them feel good yeah it’s not gonna
open and though like ice like Eric said they’ll figure it out on their own
someday do we have any Instagram comments that you want to read no
they’re all more like yes statements in like about there’s one about like
divorce care and oh just kidding one hour sorry you guys anyway well that’s
our I hope that answered your question if you’re listening I’m gonna email you
and tell you we answered on this podcast so listen
but thanks for your input we always love questions we always love comments we’re
always looking for topic ideas that matter to you
I have a feeling that this isn’t gonna be a popular topic because it’s that’s
okay but I think it’s important it’s an important topic that’s what matters
yeah so thank you guys if you stuck with us all the way through it we feel that
this is an important topic and if you guys feel it is too or you have input on
it please leave comments if you’re watching this on YouTube
email us at the blended life dotnet go to the website and the email address is
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tuning in you guys and we will see you next week bye

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