A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court – Full Movie


[regal instrumental music] ♪ ♪ IN ASTRONOMY,
AN ECLIPSE IS SAID TO OCCUR WHEN ONE CELESTIAL BODY ENTERS THE INFLUENCE
OF ANOTHER BODYOR IS TEMPORARILY HIDDEN.NOW, WATCH CLOSELY
WHILE I CREATE
A LUNAR ECLIPSE. SEE? THERE. NOW, HOW CAN WE DEFINE IT?GABBY.A LUNAR ECLIPSE TAKES PLACE WHEN THE MOON ENTERS
THE SHADOW OF THE EARTH?EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.NOW, WATCH CLOSELY AS OUR MOON COMES BETWEEN THE SUN AND THE EARTH.NOW, WHAT COULD THIS BE?OOH-OOH-OOH! KAREN. A SOLAR ECLIPSE. PRECISELY, KAREN. THE MOON OBSCURES THE SUN, LEAVING THE EARTH IN DARKNESS. [bell ringing] OH.NOBODY MOVES.NOBODY MOVE
UNTIL YOU COPY DOWN
THESE DATES. QUIZ ON MONDAY. [children groaning] QUIZ ON MONDAY. FIRST RECORDED LUNAR ECLIPSE:
BABYLONIA, 721 B.C. [sighs]FIRST PRECISELY PREDICTED
SOLAR ECLIPSES IN EUROPE
ON JUNE 21, 528,A VERY HAPPENING YEAR.GOT THAT?(children)
YEAH.
(man)
GOOD.
WHO CARES ABOUT DATES? THE ONLY DATE
I’D BE INTERESTED IN WOULD BE
WITH TOM CRUISE. [laughs]
COLUMBUS GOT HERE. THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. KAREN, KAREN, KAR–SWEETHEART. OH, THERE’S MY MOM. OKAY, CALL ME
IF YOU CAN SLEEP OVER. MY BROTHER’S RENTING
ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES!
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. OKAY. [together]
BYE. HI. SO HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY,
SWEETHEART? OKAY. OH, THAT GOOD, HUH? HMM? [laughs] NOW, I’VE GOT A COUPLE OF HOUSES
TO SHOW THIS AFTERNOON. I’M SORRY, BUT YOU’RE GONNA
HAVE TO GO WITH YOUR SISTER. AWW. WHY CAN’T I STAY AT HOME
AND WAIT FOR DAD? HONEY, I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE
LEAVING YOU HOME ALONE, NOT JUST YET. BESIDES, YOUR FATHER CALLED,
AND HE HAS TO WORK LATE. MOM, I’M 12 YEARS OLD. I’VE HAD SIX MONTHS
OF KARATE. I DON’T WANT
TO BE WITH LIZ. KAREN, SOMETIMES IT’S VERY HARD
TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION, BUT I HAVE TO DO
WHAT I THINK IS BEST.BESIDES,
IT WON’T BE SO BAD.
LIZ HAS
HER EQUESTRIAN CLUB TODAY.TERRIFIC.[students chatting] OH, THERE’S YOUR SISTER. AGAIN? I HAVE TO BABYSIT HER
AGAIN? MOM, SEE HOW SHE GETS?
SEE? LIZ, I’M SHOWING
AN ESTATE IN RIVERSIDE AND A CONDO
IN DOWNTOWN HARTFORD AT 5:00. I’M SORRY. ALL RIGHT.
COME ON. MOM, JUST TELL HER
SHE’S NOT MY BOSS. BUT I AM YOUR BOSS. YOU ARE NOT. YES, I AM YOUR BOSS. OH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH. KAREN, NOW, YOU BE GOOD, AND GET ALL
THE HOMEWORK DONE. IT WILL BE NONSTOP THRILLS. HONEY, IF WE ALL WORK TOGETHER,
IT’S GOING TO BE A LOT EASIER TO AFFORD THAT TRIP
TO DISNEY WORLD COME SPRING BREAK. MOM, WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO? [laughs] MOM… HMM? SOMEDAY YOU’LL THINK
I’LL BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF,
WON’T YOU? OH, YES, HONEY. IT WILL BE SOMEDAY REAL SOON. OKAY, GO AHEAD. YOU’RE NOT MY BOSS. I AM. YOU COULDN’T BOSS A BUG. [upbeat pop music playing] ♪ ♪ (woman)
♪ HYPNOTIZED ♪ ♪ JUST ONE LOOK AT YOU ♪ ♪ I’M PARALYZED ♪ [music stops] [students chatting] [gentle orchestral music] ♪ ♪ [crow cawing] [birds chirping] WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT? FINE, JUST FINE. SEE YOU LATER, OKAY? GO HAVE FUN. COME ON, GIRL, COME ON.COME ON, PRINCESS.
LET’S GO.
EXCUSE ME. DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE
ALL RIGHT IF I RODE YOUR HORSE? SURE, DO YOU KNOW
HOW TO RIDE? OH, SURE. OKAY, JUST STAY IN THE PADDOCK,
ALL RIGHT? OKAY, NO PROBLEM. [horse whinnies] I’LL JUST
GET COMFORTABLE. HI, HORSEY. I DIDN’T MEAN TO FIB
ABOUT KNOWING HOW TO RIDE. AND I’VE JUMPED
A HORSE LIKE YOU. MY NAME’S KAREN. I FORGOT TO ASK YOURS.UM, I CAN SEE YOU’RE
A REALLY KIND AND GENTLE HORSE.
WHOA-OH-OH. MY NAME’S KAREN. I’VE NEVER RIDDEN BEFORE. I GUESS YOU CAN TELL.I DON’T KNOW HOW
TO DOWNSHIFT IT.
WHOOOOA! OH, NO. WHOA. WHOA! [screams] WHOA, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF! GET A GRIP!WHOA![screams]WHOA!WHOA![horse whinnying] [screaming] UGH! [birds chirping][metal clinking][horse whinnying]FAIR SIR, WILL YOU FIGHT OR NOT? FIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DON’T PLEAD IGNORANCE
OF KNIGHTLY LAW. NOW, I’LL ASK YOU AGAIN. BE YOU MY CAPTIVE,OR WILL YOU TRY
A PASSAGE OF ARMS?
GET REAL. GO BACK TO YOUR CIRCUS
OR WHEREVER YOU CAME FROM.VERY WELL, THEN.SINCE YOU CARE NOT TO FIGHT,
I DECLARE YOU ARE CAPTIVE
OF MY SPEAR. YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR GOURD. I COMMAND YOU TO MARCH. WELL, IF YOU PUT IT
THAT WAY… AYE, I PUT IT THAT WAY. NOW MOVE,
OBSTINATE INTRUDER. SIR, I’M SORRY TO INSULT YOU. AH, “SIR” IS BETTER. YOU MAY CALL ME SIR LANCELOT. OH, TERRIFIC,
AND YOU CAN CALL ME THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND. WHAT A GREAT TELLER
OF LIES YOU ARE. LOOK,WOULD YOU MIND IF WE WENT BACK
THE OTHER WAY?
MY SISTER
AND HER WHOLE EQUESTRIAN CLUB ARE OVER THERE. THEY’D REALLY ENJOY MEETING YOU. MARCH. I’M MARCHING. I’M MARCHING. IS YOUR ASYLUM
IN HARTFORD, SIR? I’VE NEVER HEARD
OF THE PLACE. MAYBE NEW HAVEN. AND THERE BE NO NEW HAVEN. YOU’LL FIND OUT
SOON ENOUGH. HELP, HELP!RUN TO THE STABLES!SOMEBODY TELL MY SISTER
I’M BEING KIDNAPPED
BY A LUNATIC!PLEASE,
SOMEBODY TELL MY SISTER.
PLEASE?PLEASE, SOMEBODY HELP. GO TELL MY SISTER, SOMEBODY,
PLEASE?[laughs]WELL, YOU CERTAINLY GAVE THEM
A START, NOW, DIDN’T YOU, INTRUDER?[dog barking][crow cawing]I HAD NO IDEA THEY LET
SO MANY LOONY TUNES RUN LOOSE AROUND HERE. OR MAYBE YOUR ASYLUM’S
IN BRIDGEPORT. THERE. THERE’S THE END OF OUR MARCH. [trumpet fanfare]CAMELOT.AWESOME. [regal music] ♪ ♪ INSIDE,
AND BE QUICK WITH YOU. WAIT YOU HERE. KEEP WATCH OVER
THIS PRISONER… WHO KNOWS LITTLE
OF OUR CODE OF HONOR. [drawbridge slams shut][crow cawing][horse whinnying]EXCUSE ME… BUT ARE YOU AN INMATE HERE
OR JUST VISITING? PRITHEE, FAIR LADY,
FROM WHENCE COMETH YE? OH, ENOUGH. I GET YOUR DRIFT. YOU’RE A PATIENT. NAY, I’M A PAGE. A PAGE? YOU’RE NOT MUCH MORE
THAN A PARAGRAPH. [laughs] JUST TRYING TO MAKE
A LITTLE JOKE. AYE, I LIKE A GOOD JOKE,
AND YOUR CLOTHES ARE HILARIOUS. WHERE DID YOU GET THEM? [laughs] THE MALL.
WHERE ELSE? WHEREVER. THEY MAKE YOU LOOK VERY COMICAL. [laughs] WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE A CARROT. I’M KAREN JONES. I LIVE AT 124 ELM STREET,
HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT. THERE’S NO CONNECTICUT
HERE IN ENGLAND. ENGLAND? THIS IS ENGLAND? AYE, ‘TWAS TOLD ME
SINCE MY BIRTH ON NOVEMBER THE 3RD,
IN THE YEAR… THIS IS ENGLAND? 513. YOU WERE BORN IN 513? AYE. WHAT DAY DO YOU THINK
IT IS TODAY? TODAY? WHY, IT’S JUNE 6TH
IN THE YEAR 528. TODAY IS JUNE 6, 528. ARE YOU CRAZY? [laughs] THERE YOU GO,
MAKING ME LAUGH AGAIN. IS THIS A PLACE
WHERE THEY KEEP CRAZY PEOPLE? ‘TIS NOT. YOU’RE KING ARTHUR’S COURT. KING ARTHUR’S COURT? [laughs] YOU’RE SO GOOD
AT ACTING THE FOOL. ‘TIS A VERY PLEASING SHOW. AND YOU’RE A PAGE
AT KING ARTHUR’S COURT? YES, BUT I WAS A TRAINED BLACKSMITH
IN CORNWALL BEFORE I WAS CAPTURED
AND MADE A PAGE OF THIS COURT. IF I’M DREAMING,
I WANT TO WAKE UP NOW. NOW! [laughs] COME, YOU DEMON. THE KING IS WAITING
TO GREET YOU.(man)
I WILL CHALLENGE HIM.
TWO PIECES OF GOLD.
TWO PIECES OF GOLD.[men laughing uproariously] [dog barks] WOW.WHAT A GREAT SPREAD.[jovial music] ♪ ♪ THE MAN WITH THE CROWN ON
IS KING ARTHUR. YOU’RE A CLEVER OBSERVER. WHO ARE ALL THE OTHERS? WELL, THE BEAUTEOUS LADY
WITH THE CROWNIS QUEEN GUINEVERE.AND THE OLDER, BEARDED MAN
IS MERLIN,THE GREATEST MAGICIAN
IN ALL THE LAND.
AND THE MAN ON ARTHUR’S RIGHT
IS HIS NEPHEW, MORDRED.
WHO ARE THE KNIGHTS? KING ARTHUR’S, OF COURSE. BUT THEY’RE SITTING AROUND
A SQUARE TABLE. [music stops]BY THE LOOKS OF THINGS,YOU’LL BE MEETING EVERYBODY
TOO SOON.
[gulps] BELOVED KING,
I BRING BEFORE YOU THIS MOST AUDACIOUS
AND FOREIGN VARLET. AND WHAT ARE
THE CHARGES AGAINST HER? FEIGNED IGNORANCE
OF KNIGHTLY LAW, IMPERSONATION
OF OUR BELOVED QUEEN.[people gasping]AND HER DRESS FRIGHTENED
MY HORSE, YOUR MAJESTY. I’M ONLY KAREN JONES
FROM HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT. SHE’S CLEARLY A MONSTER
IN DISGUISE. NOTICE THE FIENDISH MARKINGS
ON THE DEMON’S SHOES.A FOREIGN CURSHE DARES FLAUNT
BEFORE OUR EYES. THESE ARE JUST SNEAKERS. SNEAKERS? THE VERY SOUND OF THE WORD
IS TERRIFYING.(Guinevere)
NONSENSE.
ANYONE CAN SEE
SHE’S JUST A LITTLE GIRL. SHE’S VERY,
VERY DANGEROUS. JUST LOOK AT THAT LURKING HUMP
ON HER BACK. THIS IS JUST MY SCHOOL BACKPACK. I THINK SHE’S JUST
A NICE HUMAN. DEAR LITTLE CLARENCE,
ALWAYS SUCH AN ODDBALL.(Guinevere)
BELOVED HUSBAND,
SHE SEEMS MORE INNOCENT
THAN MONSTER.(man)
AYE!
SET HER FREE! [all cheering] ENOUGH! I WILL DECIDE! WHAT THINK YOU, MERLIN? BURN HER AT THE STAKE BEFORE SHE CAN MANIFEST
HER POWERS. YOU GUYS MUST BE KIDDING. WHAT THINK YOU, MORDRED? I DEFER TO MERLIN’S BRILLIANCE. SHE MUST BE BURNED. NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT
TO TALK TO ME LIKE THEY’RE GONNA TOAST
A MARSHMALLOW. TAKE HER
TO THE COURTYARD IMMEDIATELY…(Karen)
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.
DON’T YOU THINK, WISE UNCLE? I THINK NOT
WITH SUCH PASSION ABOUT IT. MORE PASSION WOULD BECOME YOU,
ARTHUR.I HAVE HEARD MANY
OF YOUR KNIGHTS WISH THIS.
HAVE YOU? PLEASE THEM NOW BY SHOWING SWIFTNESS
AND STRENGTH IN YOUR DECISION. VERY WELL.
TO THE STAKE WITH HER, THEN! [people groaning] (Karen)
IS HE KIDDING? I DON’T KNOW HOW
TO STOP THEM. ALL THEY BELIEVE IN
IS MERLIN’S MAGIC. IF IT’S MAGIC THEY WANT,
IT’S MAGIC THEY’RE GONNA GET. MY LIEGE, I REALLY DON’T THINK
YOU SHOULD KILL HER. STOP! STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE,
OR I’M GONNA ZAP YOUWITH MY LIGHTNING BOX.[crowd gasps][laughs]
YOU CANNOT
DECEIVE US, DEMON. I SUMMON AN INVISIBLE CHAIN
TO BIND THEE. [speaking gibberish] I’LL SLAY YOU HERE, MONSTER! OH, NO, YOU DON’T;
TAKE THAT! [crowd gasps] AND THIS! TAKE THAT! TAKE THAT! COUNTER HER, MERLIN,
WITH STRONGER LIGHTNING. OH, JUST CHANGE HER
INTO STONE. EGADS. SHE HAS TRAPPED US
IN FLATNESS.[crowd gasps]AGH! AGH! AGH! AGH! AGH! WHERE I COME FROM, THOSE LITTLE FLAT IMAGES
ARE CALLED [threateningly]
SNAPSHOTS.AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO
WITH A SNAPSHOT?
IF I SNAP THIS IN HALF, YOU’LL BE SNAPPED IN HALF.[crowd gasps][scoffs] THERE IS NO MAGICTHAT POWERFUL.OH? WELL, MAYBE
YOU DON’T WANT YOUR HEAD. OR MAYBE YOU DON’T WANT
YOUR LEGS. NO, PLEASE, DON’T. STOP, GREAT SORCERESS.[men whispering]SO YOU RULE THE ELEMENTS AND IMPRISON OUR IMAGE. YOU ARE
THE GREATEST MAGICIANWE HAVE EVER KNOWN.WHAT IS YOUR NAME?WELL, I’M THE GRAND DIVA
AND THE HEAD HONCHO. I’LL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF. PLEASE, BE MERCIFUL
IN THIS PERILOUS MATTER.(Arthur)
NAME YOUR TERMS,
GREAT MAGICIAN.
BUT SPARE US ANY MUTILATIONS,
PLEASE!TAKE HORSES, SERVING MEN,
GOLD.
DID YOU SAY GOLD? AND WHATEVER ELSE
YOUR GREATNESS MIGHT REQUIRE. KINDLY REFLECT UPON IT. OKAY, I’VE REFLECTED UPON IT. IN RETURN
FOR NOT KNOCKING YOU OFF WITH MY LIGHTNING BOX,
YOU CAN STAY KING AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES ALONG
WITH THAT SORT OF THING. HOW COMPASSIONATE SHE IS. BUT… YOU MUST APPOINT ME
YOUR PRIME MINISTER.AND I WANT 1% OF ALL REVENUES.THAT’S WHAT WE CALL
A COMMISSION.
CLARENCE,YOU WANT ANYTHING?A BLACKSMITH SHOP? AND A BLACKSMITH SHOP
FOR CLARENCE. YOU TAKE STRANGE CLARENCE
AS YOUR APPRENTICE? I DO. BUT CLARENCE IS OF LITTLE USE. HE HAS NO INTEREST
IN SLAYING DRAGONS, NOR SEARCHING FAR AND WIDE
FOR THE GRAIL. WELL, IN MY BOOK,
HE’S OKAY,BUT WE’LL NEED SOMEPLACE
TO LIVE.
THAT’S ALL YOU WANT? MM-HMM. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. [all cheering] I HEREBY APPOINT THEE PRIME MINISTER
AND MASTER MAGICIANOF OUR COURT.MY LIEGE, WHAT ABOUT ME?(Karen)
YOU COULD PUT HIM IN CHARGE
OF THE LOCAL WEATHER REPORT. AH, HOW KIND. HOW VERILY KIND. AND WOULD YOU PERMIT,
IN ALL YOUR GRACIOUS KINDNESS, THAT I DUB YOU
A KNIGHT OF MY TABLE? SURE. PLEASE KNEEL. [regal horn music] ♪ ♪ I HOPE HE WHACKS
HER HEAD OFF. WITH ALL THE ROYAL POWER
AND REGAL WISDOM WHICH RESIDES IN ME, I DUB THEE SIR– BUT, PRITHEE,
WHAT’S YOUR NAME? BOSS, BUT SINCE I’M A GIRL, YOU CAN DUB ME “LADY BOSS.” BUT WE HAVE NEVER
DUBBED A LADY, ONLY SIRS. I’LL HAVE
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT, BUT “SIR”
WILL BE OKAY FOR NOW. THEN ON THIS JOYOUS DAY OF DAYS, I DUB THEE NOW
SIR BOSS. [cheers and applause] I WANT HER KILLED. FIRST, WE MUST
FURTHER TEST HER MAGIC, AND IF IT ISN’T
TRULY POTENT, THEN, WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT,
WE’LL SLAUGHTER HER WITH THE REST
OF THESE FOOLISH PEOPLE.[cheers and applause][dramatic regal music] ♪ ♪ [gentle orchestral music] ♪ ♪ PLEASE FORGIVE ME,
SIR BOSS, FOR HAVING CALLED YOU
AN EVIL DEMON. I WAS TOO RASH. THAT’S OKAY. NOBODY’S PERFECT.WILL THIS BETO YOUR SATISFACTION? THIS WAS
THE FIRST IRON-MELT FURNACE CONTAINED AT THE CASTLE. IT LOOKS COOL. AYE, THIS WILL BE FINE. THIS IS A SUPER DUPLEX.(Lancelot)
THERE’S PLENTY OF ATTIC SPACE
FOR SLEEPING,
AND YOU CAN COOK
DOWN HERE. KING ARTHUR WOULD
WANT YOU TO HAVE THE MOST SUCCULENT FOODS:
QUAIL EGGS, MUTTONCHOPS, OX RIBS. (Clarence)
I LOVE OX RIBS. WE’LL TAKE IT. THEN I SHALL TELL THE KING
YOU ARE PLEASED. TELL HIM
WE’RE HUMONGOUSLY PLEASED. IF THERE IS ANYTHING ELSE
YOU SHOULD NEED, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE
TO CALL UPON ME. OKEYDOKEY. I WISH TO OFFER MYSELF
AS YOUR PROTECTOR SHOULD YOU BE CHALLENGED
TO BATTLE. THANK YOU, SIR LANCELOT. THANK YOU, SIR. ARE YOU CERTAIN
THIS PLACE IS CAMELOT? I SWEAR IT. IT JUST DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE ONE I READ ABOUT
IN CONNECTICUT. WELL, ARE THE PEOPLE HERE
DIFFERENT THAN YOU READ ABOUT?YUP.IN THE BRAINS DEPARTMENT,
A LOT DON’T SEEM TO BE PULLING A FULL TRAIN. WHAT’S A TRAIN? I’LL SHOW YOU. COO, ANOTHER WONDER
FROM YOUR MAGIC BAG. WHERE I COME FROM, ALL THE KIDS
HAVE SCHOOL BACKPACKS. HOW BLESSED THEY ARE. SO… THIS HUGE, LONG IRON MONSTER
IS A TRAIN? AND WHAT’S THIS? OH, THAT’S A BICYCLE. YOU PUMP THE PEDALS AND RIDE IT. BUT IT ONLY HAS
TWO NONPARALLEL WHEELS. HOW’S IT KEEP YOU UP, MAGIC? SCIENCE, NOT MAGIC. OH, BUT THAT BE MAGIC
FOR CERTAIN. NO, CLARENCE,
IT’S ONLY A MIRROR. WHOA. WE HAVE SHINY METAL
BUT NOTHING SO SMOOTH AS THIS. WITH MARVELS LIKE THESE, NO WONDER YOU’RE DISAPPOINTED
IN CAMELOT. THE CAMELOT I HEARD ABOUT, ALL THE KNIGHTS
SIT AT A ROUND TABLE. ALL THEY SIT ROUND HERE
IS A SQUARE ONE. THAT’S NOT HOW IT IS
IN THE REAL CAMELOT. BUT THIS IS THE REAL CAMELOT.(man)
LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE!
[regal fanfare] ♪ ♪[horse hooves clip-clopping]WHO’S SHE? MORGANA DE LE FAY,
THE KING’S SISTER, MORDRED’S MOTHER. DOES SHE LIVE HERE TOO?(Clarence)
NO, SHE HAS HER OWN CASTLE.
WELCOME, MORGANA. WHY DO YOU NOT VISIT US
MORE OFTEN? MY DEAR BROTHER,
HOW HAPPY I AM TO SEE YOU. AND GUINEVERE,
YOU LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL EACH TIME I SEE YOU. HOW WE’VE MISSED YOU. [birds chirping] SIR BOSS. OH, HOW DREADFUL. HOW HONORED WE ARE
TO HAVE YOU VISIT US.(Karen)
WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH THEM?
OH, THEY HAVE A GREAT FEAR
OF MAGICIANS. COME, COME, NOW, LADIES.
CARRY ON. CONTINUE YOUR MUSIC
FOR SIR BOSS. SIR BOSS,
THESE ARE MY LADIES IN WAITING. HI. [speaking softly together]
HI. QUEEN GUINEVERE, I JUST
WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR STANDING UP FOR ME. IT WAS NOTHING. LET IT BE KNOWN
THAT MY LADIES IN WAITING AND I ARE AT YOUR CONSTANT SERVICE. EXCUSE ME,
BUT WHAT EXACTLY DO LADIES IN WAITING
DO ALL DAY? OH, SO MANY THINGS. WE NEEDLEPOINT LOVELY PILLOWS. AND WE CARVE CAMEOS FROM IVORY. WHERE DO YOU GET
YOUR IVORY FROM? THE KNIGHTS
BRING IT BACK FROM THEIR ENDLESS
AND COURAGEOUS SEARCH FOR THE HOLY GRAIL, WHENEVER THEY MANAGE TO KILL
ONE OF THOSE GHASTLY ELEPHANTS. ELEPHANTS AREN’T GHASTLY. THE KILLING
OF ELEPHANTS DISPLEASES YOU? YES, IT DISPLEASES ME A LOT.THAT’S ALL YOU
AND YOUR LADIES DO ALL DAY,
SEWING AND CARVING TUSKSFROM POOR ELEPHANTS?WE ALSO PLAY DELIGHTFUL MUSIC. DON’T YOU EVER WORK OUT? WHAT IS “WORK OUT?” YOU KNOW, EXERCISE
TO KEEP YOUR BODY IN SHAPE. BUT WHAT IS EXERCISE? HERE, I’LL SHOW YOU. COME ON.HEY, WHY DON’T YOU TELL
THE BAND TO PICK UP THE TEMPO,
YOU KNOW, THE BEAT?(Guinevere)
OH, BUT WE ONLY HAVE ONE TEMPO.
(Karen)
BUT THERE ARE LOTS OF TEMPOS.
HERE, I’LL SHOW YOU.[upbeat pop music playing] [women gasping] [gasps]
OH! COME ON, LADIES.
GET WITH IT. ♪ ♪ (woman)
♪ HYPNOTIZED ♪ ♪ JUST ONE LOOK AT YOU ♪ ♪ I’M PARALYZED ♪ ♪ I CAN’T EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ WHY JUST ONE TOUCH FROM YOU
DRIVES ME INSANE ♪ WELL, IT IS
A VERY SPIRITED TEMPO. COME ON, LADIES.
LET IT ALL HANG OUT. (woman)
♪ AND I LOVE HOW IT FEELS ♪ ♪ CROSS MY HEART ♪ ♪ HOPE TO DIE ♪ ♪ MAY LIGHTNING STRIKE ME
IF I’M TELLING A LIE ♪ ♪ CROSS MY HEART ♪ ♪ I SWEAR IT’S TRUE ♪ ♪ I’VE NEVER LOVED ANYONE MORE
THAN I’M LOVING YOU ♪ MY, IT IS A TEMPO THAT REALLY
TAKES MY BREATH AWAY. ♪ CROSS MY HEART ♪ [birds chirping](Merlin)
SHE’S TAKING OVER EVERYTHING.
SHE’S A DECEIVER
OF THE BASEST ORDER.
(Mordred)
DO YOU REALIZE
HOW MUCH 1% AMOUNTS TO?
I TELL THEE, MORDRED, THE KING IS BLINDED
BY THIS IMPOSTOR’S TOMFOOLERY. NOT FOR LONG, MERLIN,
NOT FOR LONG. SHE’S DEVOURING EVERYTHING,
INFILTRATING EVERY– [gasps] WHY, YOU MUST BE SIR BOSS. I’M MORGANA, ARTHUR’S SISTER. I’VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU. HELLO.IT’S A GREAT PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU.
FROM ALL THE TALES I’VE HEARD
OF YOUR STUNNING WIZARDRY, I HADN’T EXPECTED TO MEET SUCH
A LOVELY, SWEET YOUNG GIRL. THANK YOU. PERHAPS YOU’D LIKE
TO COME TO MY ROOM AND TASTE
OF THE DELICATE TEA CAKES THAT I’VE BROUGHT WITH ME. I CAN’T RIGHT NOW. OH, I SEE. THEN PERHAPS YOU’D LIKE
TO VISIT ME AT MY CASTLE. WE MUST HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON,
SO MUCH TO SPEAK OF. I’M SURE THAT WOULD BE NICE. THEN IT’S SETTLED. I’LL SEND FOR YOU
WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. I’LL MAKE IT
THE MOST GLORIOUS SURPRISE. THANK YOU; THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [thunder booming] [ominous music] ♪ ♪ [snoring] [thunder booming] [screams] WHAT’S GOING ON?WHAT HAPPENED?SOMEBODY MURDERED MY CAMERA. [spirited regal music] ♪ ♪ PULL IT BACK. PULL IT. YAH! YAH! YAH! [swords clanking] WHAT’S THAT? THE KNIGHTS, YOU SEE,
USE THESE TARGETS FOR PRACTICE. YAH! YAH! YAH! BRAVO, SIR BOSS. PULL IT BACK.(Karen)
BOAR’S-EYE.
VERY GOOD. WHAT’S THIS, SIR BOSS?(Karen)
JUST A HOT AIR BALLOON.
IT CAN LIFT YOU HIGH
IN THE AIR. YOU FLY. FLY, LIKE A WITCH?(Karen)
THAT’S SOMETHING I MISS.
WHAT IS IT? IT’S A TELEPHONE. IT LETS YOU TALK
BACK AND FORTH OVER MILES. I HAVE A LOT OF TELEPHONES,
NOT SO COMPLICATED-LOOKING AND HAVE
A MUCH BETTER DESIGN. LOOK. [pigeons cooing] THOSE ARE PIGEONS,
NOT TELEPHONES. BUT THEY’RE TELEPHONE PIGEONS.YOU TAKE ONE
WITH YOU ANYWHERE,
AND IF YOU WANT TO TALK WITH ME,
YOU TIE A NOTE TO ITS LEG AND IT FLIES HOME. PEOPLE CAN’T JUST GO AROUND
ALL THE TIME WITH PIGEONS IN THEIR POCKET. YOU DON’T HAVE TO. THE PIGEON FOLLOWS YOU
UNTIL YOU NEED IT. AND THEN YOU BLOW THIS. [whistle chiming] [makes clicking noise](Guinevere)
SIR BOSS?
SIR BOSS?(Karen)
BE RIGHT DOWN. MY LADIES IN WAITING AND I
HAVE FINISHED OUR FIRST, AS YOU SAY,
“SIGNIFICANT” NEEDLEPOINT. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT? OKEYDOKEY, QUEEN GUINEVERE. MAKE SURE EVERY ERRANT KNIGHT
GETS ONE FOR HIS BED. OKEYDOKEY. KEEYAH! EEYAH! AUUUGH! UGH! OH! [laughs]
OH, WHAT FUN, SIR BOSS.[laughs]
OH.
YOU ARE TEACHING US SO MUCH. CIAO, BABY. CIAO. NEVER HAVE I SEEN
THE QUEEN SO HAPPY. SHE ADORES YOU. IT STILL ISN’T
THE CAMELOT I READ ABOUT. WHY? IN CAMELOT,
KING ARTHUR WAS FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT
OF EQUALITY AND JUSTICE. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
OUR KING ARTHUR ISN’T? BECAUSE WHEN LANCELOT
MARCHED ME HERE, I SAW SO MANY
SAD PEASANTS. IT’S TRUE. THE PEOPLE ARE VERY POOR. BUT WHY? IT’S NOT KING ARTHUR’S FAULT. IT’S MORDRED AND HIS CRONIES WHO TAX EVERYBODY TO DEATH
BEHIND ARTHUR’S BACK. THEN WHY DOESN’T SOMEBODY
TELL ARTHUR? MORDRED WOULD KILL THEM. ONE LORD WAS GOING
TO TELL KING ARTHUR, BUT THE LORD’S WIFE WARNED HIM
THAT IF HE DID, SHE WOULD PUNISH HIM AND MAKE HIS LIFE
HELL ON EARTH FOREVER. IN CONNECTICUT,
WE HAVE A PUNISHMENT LIKE THAT. IT’S CALLED ALIMONY. SOUNDS LIKE
SOMETHING HORRIBLE. OH, THERE’S SO MUCH
WE NEED TO DO TO MAKE CAMELOT
THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. WHAT’S THIS? WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN WORKING ON? AN ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN. WHAT WEIRD CAMPAIGN BE THAT? IT’S FOR TOOTHBRUSHES. BUT WHAT ARE TOOTHBRUSHES? WE HAVE TO INVENT THEM. THEY’RE LITTLE STICKS
WITH BRISTLES ON ONE END. WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO
WITH THEM? YOU CLEAN YOUR TEETH. OH, SORT OF USE
THE BRISTLES TO FLICK OUT
STUCK MUTTON PIECES. YEAH. AS SIR BOSS,
I’M GONNA MAKE SURE EVERY KNIGHT
HAS A SIGN ON HIS SHIELD TALKING ABOUT THE NEED
FOR TOOTHBRUSHES. WELL, WHO WILL MAKE THEM? THE PEASANTS,
AND THEN THEY CAN SELL THEM, AND THEN THEY’LL HAVE
ENOUGH MONEY FOR FOOD AND DECENT HOUSING. THAT WON’T WORK. MORDRED WILL ONLY TAX
THE PEASANTS STILL MORE TO KEEP THEM JUST AS POOR. BUT I’M GOING TO GO
TELL KING ARTHUR EVERYTHING, AND HE’S GONNA TOSS MORDRED OUT
ON HIS EAR. JUST MAKE SURE MORDRED
DOESN’T CATCH YOU. A TOOTHBRUSH. I’D RATHER MAKE A BICYCLE. [squeaking noise] HELLO? IS ANYONE HERE?(Merlin)
I AM ON THE VERGE
OF CREATING ONE OF THE MOST
ASTONISHING SOLUTIONS
OF MY CAREER,A SOLUTION GREATER
THAN MY OIL OF WARTHOG,
FOR WHICH YOU HAD
SUCH GENEROUS PRAISE.
MIND YOUR STEP, SIRE.AHH, YES.AH, YES. AH-HA-HA-HA.THIS BE THE MAGIC ELIXIR.[snickers] AHH.I HAVE ONLY TO ADDTHE BLOOD OF A CHAMELEON… [cackles] AND IT WILL BE COMPLETE. I’D BE TRULY COMFORTED
TO KNOW THIS. I NEED BUT SPRINKLE ONE DROP
ON SIR BOSS, AND SHE WILL BE TURNED
INTO A TWO-HEADED MOUSE.[cackles]WITH ONE SWEEP OF MY SWORD,
I COULD TURN HER INTO DEAD.(Merlin)
AH!
WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA. AH, WITH WHAT EASE DID I SLAY
HER LIGHTNING BOX.(Mordred)
HER MAGIC IS GONE,
BUT SHE IS SO DIVERTING
TO ARTHUR AND THE COURT. ‘TIS BETTER SHE BREATHE
A LITTLE LONGER. BUT WHEN CAN WE KILL HER,MORDRED?EVERY DAY, MORE OF THE KNIGHTS
COME TO OUR SIDE. BUT ARTHUR STILL
HAS A GOOD FEW FAITHFUL. LET ME CHANGE THEM
INTO TWO-HEADED MICE. SOON. AS IT IS, THE RESTLESS PEASANTS
OUTSIDE THE GATES ARE BEGINNING
TO NUMBER HUNDREDS AND WILL SOON BE READY
TO MARCH WITH US. ON THAT DAY, THE KING
AND ALL FAITHFUL TO HIM WILL BE SLAUGHTERED.(Merlin)
BUT WHEN, MORDRED, WHEN?
WITHIN THE FORTNIGHT. BUT NOW I MUST GO. NO, FIRST LET ME GIVE THEE
A SPECIAL BLESSING OF PROTECTION
BEFORE YOU LEAVE. ‘TIS NOT A LONG ONE,
I HOPE. NAY, NAY, ‘TIS THE SHORT AND POTENT
CIRCLE SPELL I SUGGEST.[laughs]LET MORDRED GAIN
HIS GREATEST DREAM. HIS SWORD WITH BLOOD
SHALL BRIGHTLY GLEAM. FIRST BEHEAD THE SNAKE,
SIR BOSS.THEN KING AND QUEENSHALL BE NO LOSS. I THANK THEE, MERLIN. ‘TWAS A SPECIAL BLESSING
INDEED. AS FOR THE ELIXIR, A TOUCH
OF HEMLOCK WOULDN’T HURT. [hissing and cackling][door slams shut][cackling]
WHEN WE BEHEAD THIS SNAKE,SIR BOSS,
WE’LL CUT HER TO PIECES.
SHE’LL MAKE A FINE SAUCE.AHH, MM. [humming] [gargling] [laughs](man)
YOUR MAJESTY, THE BOUNTY
OF OUR HARVEST.
MY LIEGE. FORGIVE ME FOR BEING LATE,
MY KING, BUT MERLIN REQUESTED MY PRESENCE
AT A SPECIAL GOOD HARVEST RITUAL PERFORMED PARTICULARLY
WITH YOU IN MIND. THAT EXPLAINS
THE GREAT GENEROSITY OF MY LORD ON THIS DAY OF GIVING. MY LIEGE. YOUR LORDSHIP.(Karen)
KING ARTHUR!
WHAT?KING ARTHUR!(Arthur)
AH, SIR BOSS.
COME SEE WHAT BOUNTIFUL GIFTS
I HAVE RECEIVED. I NEED TO TALK
TO THE KING…ALONE. I REALLY DON’T THINK
THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO BOTHER THE KING,
SIR BOSS.I’M SURE YOU DIDN’T MEAN
TO INTRUDE UPON HIS PLEASURE.
(Arthur)
MY COMPLIMENTS
ON THIS FINE HARVEST. NO, I CERTAINLY DID NOT. [laughs] SIR BOSS.(Arthur)
MY LORD HAS BEEN MOST GENEROUS.
(man)
THESE ARE OUR BEST OFFERINGS.
IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG? YEAH, THERE’S A LOT WRONG. WE NEED A GIRL-TO-GIRL TALK–
AND FAST.(Arthur)
WHAT THINK YOU, MORDRED?
THE QUALITY OF THE OFFERING
SEEMS IMPRESSIVE ENOUGH, BUT THE QUANTITY…
[tsking] IS LESS THAN
WAS EXPECTED. MY KING, THIS LORD DOES NOT HAVE
A VAST ESTATE. FORGIVE ME, LANCELOT,
BUT YOUR COUNSEL WAS NOT SOUGHT,AS TAXES ARE NOT
YOUR EXPERTISE.
INDEED, IN THESE MATTERS,
IT IS YOUR IGNORANCE THAT HAS A VAST ESTATE. THE ONLY THING NOT SO VAST
WOULD BE YOUR TONGUE IF I PUT MY SWORD TO IT. [laughs]
OH. MORDRED!LANCELOT!HAH! SHEATHE YOUR WEAPONS
AND YOUR TEMPERS.SHEATHE YOUR WEAPONS.(Mordred)
UNCLE.
YOU KNOW THAT I AM
MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE IN TAXES DUE. HE IS RIGHT, LANCELOT. AS YOU PRESERVE MY LIFE,
MORDRED PRESERVES OUR LARDER.ACT AS BROTHERS AND CONTINUE
TO BRING ME JOY
THROUGH YOUR
RESPECTIVE DOMAINS. YES, YOUR MAJESTY. [laughs] [women chatting quietly] YOU WISH TO SEE ME,
MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN? [women mumbling] I’D LIKE TO DISCUSS
SOMETHING VERY DISTURBING ABOUT THE KINGDOM. YOU MUST NOT CONCERN YOURSELF
WITH SUCH MATTERS. THEY’RE FOR MERLIN, MYSELF,
AND MORDRED: CONCERNS FOR
A MAN’S MIND. BUT SIR BOSS SAYS
THERE’S NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN’S
AND A WOMAN’S MIND. WHAT IS IT
YOU WISH TO DISCUSS? SIR BOSS SAID SHE OVERHEARD
MERLIN WITH MORDRED PLOTTING TO KILL YOU
AND ALL THOSE FAITHFUL TO YOU. MERLIN WANTS TO TURN SIR BOSS
INTO A TWO-HEADED RODENT, AND MORDRED SAYS
THE PEASANTS HATE YOU. NONSENSE. MORDRED IS MY DEAR NEPHEW, THE LIGHT OF MY SISTER,
MORGANA’S, EYE. MERLIN’S FOREVER ASKING
AFTER SIR BOSS’S HEALTH, AND ALL
THE PEASANTS ADORE ME. HOW CAN YOU BE
SO SURE OF THAT? GUINEVERE,
MY LAWS ENSURE FREEDOM AND FAIRNESS
FOR ALL MY SUBJECTS. SO OUTSIDE THE CASTLE WALL, YOU TRULY BELIEVE
EVERYONE IS HAPPY? OF COURSE THEY ARE. I MADE THE PEASANTS
FREE MEN. I GIVE THEM LAND
AND ASK BUT LITTLE TAX. AND WHO ENFORCES
THIS FAIRNESS? MORDRED, AND HE DOES SO
WITH MY FULL TRUST. MY HUSBAND, YOU ALWAYS RULE
SO MUCH WITH YOUR HEART. IS IT NOT POSSIBLE
JUST THIS ONCE YOU’RE TRUSTING SOMEONE
YOU SHOULD NOT? NO. TOMORROW MORNING,
SIR BOSS IS PLANNING TO GO OUT
INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE TO TALK
TO THE PEASANTS HERSELF, AND I THINK YOU SHOULD GO
WITH HER. NONSENSE. DO YOU THINK A PEASANT
WOULD TELL HIS KING IF HE WERE UNHAPPY? HE WOULD IF HIS KING WERE
DISGUISED AS A PEASANT. DISGUISED AS A PEASANT? MY LORD,
IT IS THE ONLY WAY. TALK TO THE PEOPLE. SEE HOW THEY LIVE– FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR COUNTRY,
ARTHUR, AND FOR ME. [people chatting](Morgana)
DEAR BROTHER,
WHERE DO YOU RUSH
WITH SUCH VIGOR? SIR BOSS AND I
ARE GOING FORTH FROM THE CASTLE TO MIX WITH THE PEASANTS
SO SHE WILL LEARN HOW WELL THEY LOVE
THEIR KING. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. THE PEASANTS SURELY
WOULD NOT TELL YOU OTHERWISE. THEY WILL NOT KNOW ME. SIR BOSS AND I
WILL BE DISGUISED IN RAGS. OH, ARTHUR,
THAT’S A GRAND IDEA. I’VE MET SIR BOSS;
SHE’S LOVELY. I HAVEN’T SEE YOU
THIS CONCERNED FOR YEARS. YOUR MAJESTY. IT IS A SECRET.
WE’RE LEAVING IN THE MORNING. I SHALL NOT TELL
A SOUL. I KISS YOU FAREWELL. MY LIPS ARE SEALED. I PRAY GOD WILL BE
WITH YOU ON THIS INSPIRED QUEST. I SHALL WAIT ONLY FOR
YOUR SAFE RETURN TO CAMELOT. I LOVE YOU, SISTER. I LOVE YOU, MY BROTHER. IF YOU HAVE TO GO, TAKE THE TELEPHONE PIGEON
WITH YOU. HE’LL FOLLOW YOU,
AND WHENEVER YOU NEED HIM, JUST BLOW ON THE FLUTE. [wings flapping] CLARENCE,
DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME. I’LL BE OKAY. GOOD JOURNEY TO YOU,
SIR BOSS. YOU JUST MAKE SURE YOU KEEP
THE HOME FIRES BURNING, OKAY?(Arthur)
PSST!
PSST, ‘TIS ME. I KNOW. DON’T I MAKE
A GRAND PEASANT? TOO GRAND. WE’LL HAVE
TO WORK ON THAT, BUT HOW DO YOU GET OUT
OF HERE? PSST, THIS WAY. [door creaking] [cheerful orchestral music] ♪ ♪(Merlin)
THOU ART LETTING THEM ESCAPE.
HOWEVER, IT WILL BE OUR DUTY
TO INFORM ALL LORDS AND GENTRY TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT
FOR TWO ESCAPED LUNATICS TRAVELING THE COUNTRYSIDE, ONE OF WHOM CLAIMS
TO BE KING ARTHUR. [laughter] WELL, WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO? A REMARKABLE SUFFICIENCY
WHEN WE OFFER A REWARD OF GOLD FOR THE FIRST
TO SLAY THEM AND BRING US THEIR HEADS
ON A PLATTER.[laughter]FINALLY, MY DARLING SON, THE KINGDOM WILL BE YOURS. THANK YOU, MOTHER. YOU’RE THE BEST MOTHER
IN THE WORLD, THE BEST. [gentle flute music] ♪ ♪ WAIT. KING ARTHUR, WE REALLY
HAVE TO STOP NOW. WHAT FOR? LOOK AT YOU;
YOU STILL LOOK LIKE A KING. WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU
HAVE ME IMPROVE? WELL, FIRST
YOUR ROBE. [fabric ripping] AH! I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME
TO LOOK LIKE A PEASANT, NOT SAVAGED
BY A WILD BOAR. I SUPPOSE
THESE RINGS MUST GO. I’LL START
ON YOUR HAIR. HMM. [humming] I THINK THAT’S QUITE ENOUGH. NOW I’M THIRSTY. FETCH ME SOME WATER. YOU WANT ME
TO FETCH YOU SOME WATER?(Arthur)
WELL, A KING DESERVES
SOME PRIVILEGE.
LOOK HERE.(Karen)
QUICK, BOW YOUR HEAD.
STAND UP.(Arthur)
OH, MARVELOUS TAPESTRIES.
(Karen)
STAND UP.
STAND UP. NO NEED FOR THAT.
I SEE QUITE WELL FROM HERE. ACT HUMBLE. YOU’RE A PEASANT,
REMEMBER? WELL–UH, OH, TRUE,
I HAD FORGOT IT.(man)
RESPECT AT LAST.
(man)
MARK THAT WELL…(Karen)
DROOP, DROOP YOUR HEAD.
I DO NOT FEEL
LIKE DROOPING.(man)
WHY DOES HE NOT LOOK
AT THE GROUND?
(Arthur)
NOT A BAD ANIMAL, GOOD SIR.
(man)
THIS PEASANT DARES
TO ADDRESS A NOBLEMAN?
IT’S TOO LATE NOW.
YOU’VE ALREADY INSULTED THEM.(Arthur)
GIVE ME YOUR SWORD.
I WILL RUN IT
THROUGH ANYONEWHO THINKS HIMSELF BETTER
THAN A FREE MAN.
WE HAVE NO WEAPONS. WE’RE PEASANTS,
REMEMBER? HAH! [screams] HOW DARE YOU HAVE
SO LITTLE RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE,
YOU COWARD. (man)
COWARD?
TRY THAT AGAIN,
AND MY MAGICIAN HERE WILL STRIKE YOU
WITH A THUNDERBOLT.(Karen)
UH, KING, PLEASE BE QUIET.
BE MORE HUMBLE.I WILL NOT HUMBLE MYSELF BEFORE A BARBARIAN
OF THIS SORT. ARE YOU SO IGNORANT
OF THE LAWS OF CHIVALRY AND YOUR KING? YOUR BRAIN HAS
ALL THE SUBSTANCE OF A MELON. NOW I SHALL SLICE YOU BOTH
IN HALF, AND WE’LL SOON SEE
WHO IS A MELON. TRY IT, YOU DELIRIOUS FOOL. USE YOUR MAGIC NOW. A PLAGUE UPON THEE,
FOOLISH METAL VARLET.DEATH TO YOU BOTH!DEATH! USE YOUR MAGIC NOW. [screams] NOW.(Arthur)
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
USE YOUR MAGIC NOW.NOW! [horse chuffing] HAHH! HEY!STAY RIGHT THERE,OR YOU’LL BE SORRY. [laughs] YOU PLAN TO STOP ME WITH
THAT PITIFUL CHUNK OF IRON? HAH! [screams] ARRGH! STAND STILL SO I CAN TRIM YOU
LIKE A LETTUCE. DIE, YOU FEEBLE FOOLS! SIR BOSS![voice over tape recorder]
PLAN TO STOP ME
WITH THAT PITIFUL CHUNK
OF IRON?
[laughs]DIE, YOU FEEBLE FOOLS!WHO SAID THAT? WHERE’S THAT VOICE? DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE
YOUR OWN BLUSTERING?[voice over tape recorder]
STAND STILL
SO I CAN TRIM YOU
LIKE A LETTUCE.
[screams] YOU’VE TRAPPED MY VOICE
IN THAT METAL BOX. I HAVE, AND IF YOU DON’T
CLEAR OUT THIS SECOND, I’LL MAKE YOUR VOICE DISAPPEAR
FOREVER. AND THEN SHE WILL
STRIKE YOU IN YOUR HEAD WITH A THUNDERBOLT. FLEE! FLEE! FLEE! [laughs] FLEE! FLEE! ONE IS A VOICE WITCH
WHO WOULD SMITE US ALL.SHE’S A HORRIBLE VOICE WITCH.[laughs] FLEE! GO ON! HURRY! I KNEW YOUR MAGIC
WOULD SAVE US, SIR BOSS, BUT I AM SHOCKED
A KNIGHT WOULD BEHAVE SO ABOMINABLY
TO A PEASANT. NOW YOU’RE GETTING
THE PICTURE. THESE FREE MEN
LOOK SO IMPOVERISHED. THEY MUST BE LAZY
OR WASTE THEIR HARVEST GAMBLING. UGH! LOOK AT THIS FILTHY LOT. HOW CAN THEY SQUANDER
THEIR MONEY SO ON DRINK? I’M SORRY, SIR, BUT I THINK
THEY’RE LIKE THIS ALL OVER. NONSENSE. I’LL FIND OUT
SOON ENOUGH WHAT’S WRONG. YOU WAIT OUTSIDE.(girl)
CHICKY, CHICKY.
[girl crying]OH, ARE YOU OKAY? [whimpering] DID YOU GET ALL DIRTY? OH. DON’T CRY. FRIENDS, WILL YOU JOIN ME AROUND MY TABLE
FOR A GLASS OF CHEER? YOU ARE VERY KIND,
STRANGER. I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU
AROUND THESE PARTS. WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?
DRINK? FOOD? WHATEVER IT IS YOU LIKE. UH, A BREW,
IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT, FRIEND. OF COURSE I CAN AFFORD IT. PLEASE, SIT, HERE. INNKEEPER! HERE, THAT’S A MIRROR. HERE. YOU CAN HAVE IT. I GUESS
YOU CAN KEEP IT. NOW, TELL ME, HONEST FRIENDS,
WHAT THINK YOU OF YOUR KING? OH, SHOULDN’T WE HAVE
MORE CONSIDERATION FOR OUR STOMACHS BEFORE STARTING
WITH SUCH A CONCERN? IS HE NOT BELOVED HERE? NOT HERE, NOT ANYWHERE. IS HE NOT ADORED?(man)
IS THE PLAGUE ADORED?
HE WON’T BE HAPPY
TILL HE’S TAXED US TO DEATH. TAXES FOR THE KING
ARE BUT A TRIFLE. YOU MUST COME
FROM VERY FAR AWAY. ALL WITHIN 100 MILES
OF CAMELOT ARE TAXED 90%. WHO ORDERS YOU
TO PAY SUCH THIEVERY? WAIT, DON’T TELL ME
KING ARTHUR, FOR I KNOW HIS WISHES
AS I DO MY VERY OWN. THE KING’S NEPHEW,
MORDRED, GOUGES EVERYTHING FROM US
BUT OUR EYES. AND EVEN OUR EYES
IF HE CATCHES US CHEATING OVER ONE EAR OF CORN. YOU’VE SEEN MORDRED HIMSELF
PERFORM THESE CRUEL ACTS? ARTHUR HAS GIVEN HIM
THE POWER OF THE WHIP. YOUR KING HAS DONE
NO SUCH THING. YOUR KING HAS GIVEN YOU
BOTH LANDAND PROPERTY.(woman)
HE HAS GIVEN US LAND
LARGE ENOUGH FOR A GRAVE. THEN I NEED NOT ASK YOU
IF YOU LOVE YOUR KING. WHAT WE’D LOVE IS TO TAKE
A CHOPPING AX TO HIM. [laughter](man)
LOOK,
WE DON’T KNOW
WHERE YOU CAME FROM, BUT AROUND HERE, OUR WIVES
AND CHILDREN HAVE NOTHING, AND WE HAVE EVEN LESS. I AM STUNNED
AND CLOSE TO TEARS. DON’T WEEP FOR US
WHEN YOU CAN’T BE BETTER OFF. BUT I AM BETTER OFF. AND I HAD WISHED AS WELL THAT ALL IN MY KINGDOM
SHOULD THRIVE. I WILL REDRESS YOUR WRONGS. NOT BEFORE YOU PAY
THE BILL, I HOPE. PAY THE BILL? I’LL MORE THAN
PAY THE BILL. HERE, HERE’S FOR YOU
AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU. GOLD. ALL THE GOLD I HAVE TODAY, BUT I’LL BE BACK WITH MORE.THE KING SHALL KNOW OF THIS.ARE YOU A SPY?(woman)
THE MAN’S A SPY.
NO.(man)
A SPY.
NO, I AM YOUR KING. YOU MUST TAKE US FOR FOOLS. YOU’RE A SPY.(all)
FOOLS! SPY!
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.I AM HERE TO HELP YOU.I WILL NOT REST
TILL ALL YOUR WRONGS ARE RIGHT. WE’RE OUT OF HERE. GET HIM. HE’S A SPY! HE’S A LUNATIC!(Arthur)
I AM THE KING!
[pig bawling] (man)
STOP THEM! (woman)
THEY’LL BETRAY US! (man)
DON’T LET THEM GET AWAY.(Karen)
COME ON, KING ARTHUR!
COME ON!
(woman)
THE KING’S MEN WILL HANG US.
HE’S A SPY! STOP THEM! COME ON. [coughs] I’M BEAT.(Arthur)
SIT DOWN HERE.
[gasps](Morgana)
WELCOME, STEPBROTHER DEAR.
AND SIR BOSS, WELCOME… TO YOUR BEHEADING. [water dripping] [bird squawking] UGH. I KNEW ABOUT MORDRED
AND MERLIN, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW
MORGANA HATED YOU TOO. MY OWN SISTER. LISTEN, SISTERS CAN BE
THE MEANEST OF ALL. I’M TALKING
FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, ALTHOUGH MY SISTER,
NEXT TO YOURS, IS LIKE A PUSSYCAT. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WHY DON’T YOU JUST CHANT
OR WAVE YOUR HAND AND MAKE THE DOOR
FLY OPEN OR MAKE MORGANA
AND HER CASTLE DISAPPEAR?[door lock clicks open]GOOD EVENING, SWEET BROTHER. WHAT A DELIGHT
TO HAVE YOU AND SIR BOSS VISIT
MY HUMBLE CASTLE. MORGANA, RELEASE US NOW, AND I WILL FORGIVE YOU. I WOULD NOT FORGIVE YOU. FORGIVE HIM? FOR WHAT? FOR HAVING ME LIVE
IN THIS SQUALOR ALL THESE YEARS. THIS IS A CASTLE,
NOT SQUALOR. MY RIGHTFUL CASTLE
SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN HERE. MY CASTLE
SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE BEEN… CAMELOT,YOUR CASTLE.SOON IT WILL BE.MY LOVING SON
WILL BE ON THE THRONE, AND YOU WILL BE DEAD. EXCUSE ME, MA’AM. MAY I PLEASE
AT LEAST HAVE MY BACKPACK? WHY, I EXPECTTHAT YOU’D REALLY LIKE
TO GET YOUR HANDS
ON THE LITTLE METAL CASKET. YES, RETURN IT AT ONCE,
OR SHE WILL CAUSE A GREAT BOULDER TO FALL
ON YOUR HEAD. AS YOU WISH, BROTHER DEAR. GUARD! [water splashing] HERE IS YOUR METAL BOX, MY LITTLE VOICE WITCH.ITS FAMEPRECEDES THEE. USE IT NOW, SIR BOSS. I COMMAND THEE. MAKE IT PULL MORGANA’S VOICE
FROM HER THROAT. SHE RUINED THE BATTERIES. IT WON’T WORK. [laughs] DID YOU THINK
I WOULD NOT KNOW WITCHES AND WATER DO NOT MIX? [laughs] THEN CAST A SPELL. TRANSFORM HER TO A WORM. IT IS YOU, DEAR BROTHER,WHO WILL SOON BE WORM FOOD.BOTH OF YOU
WILL BE BEHEADED TOMORROW AT NOON. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! A LITTLE SIBLING RIVALRY
IS OKAY, BUT THIS HAS GONE
WAY TOO FAR. COME RIGHT BACK HERE
THIS MINUTE![Morgana laughing hysterically]YOU HEAR ME?[door slams shut]I KNOW WHY
YOUR MAGIC HAS FAILED US. IT FAILS BECAUSE I HAVE FAILED
MY COUNTRY, MY PEOPLE. NO, YOUR MAJESTY. I STILL HAVE MAGIC. [whistle chiming] [whistle chiming] LOOK. NOW I UNDERSTAND. [pigeon cooing] A MAGIC PIGEON. YOU WILL TRANSFORM IT
INTO A HUGE CREATURE, AND IT WILL PECK
OUR ENEMIES TO DEATH.NO.I’LL WRITE A NOTE, AND WHEN IT GETS TO CLARENCE, HE’LL ALERT YOUR FINEST KNIGHTS
TO COME AND SAVE US. ARE THOSE MAGIC NUMBERS
ON YOUR NOTE?(Karen)
“BABYLONIA, 721 B.C.:
FIRST RECORDED SOLAR ECLIPSE.”IT’S JUST A BUNCH
OF SILLY NUMBERS.
CLARENCE WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO. ALL RIGHT. FLY, PIGEON, FLY! FLY TO CLARENCE. BRILLIANT. THE BIRD WILL FLY TO CAMELOT AND THEN
TURN INTO A HUGE CREATURE TO FLY MY FINEST KNIGHTS
TO SAVE US.NO.THERE’S NO POINT
IN WASTING MAGIC. CLARENCE WILL GET THE NOTE
AND ALERT YOUR KNIGHTS TO RIDE HERE BEFORE NOON. IMPOSSIBLE. WE’RE A FULL TWO DAYS
FROM CAMELOT BY HORSE. I WROTE ON THE NOTE WE’RE GONNA GET
OUR HEADS CHOPPED OFF. THAT WILL JUST
MAKE THEM RIDE FASTER. IT WILL TAKE THE PIGEON
A GOOD TIME TO FLY TO CAMELOT. WELL, IT COULD BE KILLED
BY A HAWK. EVEN IF IT ARRIVES
WITHIN THE HOUR, IT WILL TAKE A KNIGHT
ANOTHER FULL HOUR TO ARMOR HIMSELF
AND HIS HORSE. THE GROUND’S IN GOOD CONDITION,
WHICH WOULD ALLOW A SEVEN-MILE GAIT,
BUT HE WOULD STILL HAVE TO CHANGE HORSES
SEVERAL TIMES. DO YOU THINK
THEY’LL MAKE IT BY NOON? I DON’T THINK SO. WE NEED SOMETHING ELSE. WHAT? A MIRACLE. [sighs] [drumroll] IT’S DAWN. YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING
TO EXECUTE US AT NOON. I LIED. PROCEED!(Arthur)
STOP THIS NOW,
OR SIR BOSS
WILL FREEZE YOUR HEART. WHY DON’T WE JUST TRY
BEGGING FOR MERCY? LISTEN, ALL OF YOU. I AM YOUR KING. I AM KING ARTHUR. I COMMAND YOU
TO TAKE MY SISTER PRISONER. NOW! IMMEDIATELY! KILL HER! THAT DIDN’T SEEM
TO WORK. TELL ME NOW, WHAT MAGIC WILL YOU USE TO WHISK
MY FAITHFUL KNIGHTS HERE IN TIME TO SAVE US? I CAN’T WHISK
ANYONE HERE. OUR GOOSE IS COOKED. YOU JEST WITH ME.NO.I’M DEAD SERIOUS. [laughs] WHAT A SENSE OF HUMOR. LET US BEGIN. WHO WISHES
TO GO FIRST? LADIES BEFORE GENTLEMEN. [scoffs]
NOT WHERE I COME FROM. THEN I SHALL GO. NOW SAVE US. WORK YOUR MAGIC. KING ARTHUR,
I HAVE NO MAGIC. I THINK I LOVE A JOKE
AS WELL AS YOU, BUT… (Morgana)
MAKE HASTE. CHOP HIS HEAD OFF. WAIT A MINUTE.(Morgana)
STOP.
HE’S YOUR BROTHER. PLEASE SHOW MERCY. YOU’RE RIGHT. MAKE IT A CLEAN CUT. (Clarence)
WE’RE COMING, SIR BOSS.
WE’RE COMING. THERE’S LANCELOT AND THE GANG.WOW,CLARENCE MADE BICYCLES.ATTACK! NOW! ATTACK! QUICKER! QUICKER! QUICKER!QUICKER!FASTER! GO! GO! [swords clanging] HERE.HELLO, YOUR MAJESTY.NEAT BIKES. YOU SAVED
OUR LIVES. LOOK. [horse whinnying]SHE’S GOING
TO GET AWAY.
[laughs](Mordred)
WELCOME HOME, UNCLE.
WE WERE SO WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR ABSENCE. YOUR MOTHER HAS SHOWN ME
HER TRUE COLORS. YOU LIED TO ME, MORDRED.(Mordred)
MY LORD,
YOU LISTENED TO ME. I HEARD YOU SAY YOU WANTED TO SLAUGHTER KING ARTHUR. NOW, THAT IS
AN INSIDIOUS LIE.I TAKE EXTREME OFFENSE
AGAINST MY HONOR.
IN FACT, I AM HURT TO THE CORE
BY SIR BOSS’S CHARGE. I, TOO, AM DEEPLY OFFENDED.(Mordred)
I CHALLENGE YOU,
SIR BOSS,
TO A JOUSTING MATCH.LET OUR WEAPONS DECIDE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG. BUT I DON’T WANT
TO JOUST. NOR WILL SHE. SIR BOSS WILL JOUST WITH ME, FOR THAT IS ONE OF YOUR LAWS
I WILL UPHOLD, MY KING: DEFENSE OF KNIGHTLY HONOR.I SUGGEST THE JOUST BE HELDTOMORROW. ARTHUR, MY HUSBAND, HOW I DID MISS YOU. BUT WHAT IS WRONG? MORDRED WANTS
TO SHISH-KEBAB ME. THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG.(Lancelot)
IF SIR BOSS PERMITS,
‘TIS I THAT WOULD BE
HER CHAMPION AGAINST YOU. OH, I PERMIT; I PERMIT. SO BE IT! [trumpet fanfare] HERE APPEARS SIR LANCELOT,
WHO FIGHTS THIS DAY TO SAVE THE HONOR
AND THE RECTITUDE OF SIR BOSS. [crowd cheers] HERE APPEARS MORDRED, WHO FIGHTS THIS DAY
TO REPEL THE SLANDER ACCORDED TO HIM BY SIR BOSS. [crowd jeering](man)
GODSPEED.
[horse whinnying] [horse whinnying] [horse whinnying] [crowd gasps] UGH!(man)
GET UP.
BRING ME MY MACE. MY SWORD! NOW WE’LL SEE WHO’S STRONGEST. COME ON; COME ON; COME ON.[crowd gasping](Arthur)
ENOUGH OF THIS.
LET THEM RETIRE TO THEIR TENTS.COMBATANTS MAY NOW
CHANGE STEEDS AND WEAPONS.(Lancelot)
SIR BOSS.
FORGIVE ME, SIR BOSS,
BUT TO DATE, I WOULD SAY
I HAVE SHAMED YOUR HONOR. JUST HANG IN THERE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU AT LEAST HAVE TO LOOK GOOD
WHEN YOU GO OUT THERE. THIS TIME, I WILL QUICKLY
KNOCK MORDRED SILLY, THRASH HIM DEARLY,
CRUSH HIS BREASTPLATE, DEMOLISH HIS SKULL. OH, YEAH. SURE, YOU WILL. NOW APPEARS MORDRED UPON HIS NEW STEED, VIPER. AND HERE ENTERS SIR LANCELOT ON HIS NEW STEED, VICTORY. [makes clicking noise] LANCELOT, THE FATE OF CAMELOT
IS IN YOUR HANDS.YOU MUST WIN.I UNDERSTAND, MY KING. I HEREWITH PLACE UPON MORDRED
A MAGIC NET, WHICH SHALL RENDER HIM
INVISIBLE TO LANCELOT… BUT NOT TO US. THANK THEE
FOR THIS PRICELESS ASSET. IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO.(man)
COME ON, LANCELOT.
(man)
HERE HE COMES.
(Karen)
CLARENCE, ALL RIGHT.
MAKE THE SUN SHINE
RIGHT ON LANCELOT.
THAT’S IT.IT’S PERFECT.NOW, THAT’S REALLY
A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.
AWESOME. MY EYES.
I CAN’T SEE. OOF! [crowd cheering] YEAH, LANCELOT. NOW! SURRENDER…
OR YOUR KING IS DEAD. IT WAS BRUTAL OF MORDRED NOT
TO INCLUDE YOU WITH THE LADIES. THEIR PRISON
HAS MORE COMFORTS. IT’S OKAY. I’M PROUD TO BE SIR BOSS, AND SOMEDAY
EVERYBODY WILL FIND OUT THERE’S NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN “SIR” AND “LADY” ANYWAY. BEING KING WAS NOT ENOUGH. I’VE DESTROYED ALL OF US
AND YOUR MAGIC BY NOT BEING
A GOOD KING. THERE ARE LOTS OF KINDS
OF MAGIC. YOU HAVEN’T DESTROYED MINE. IF ONLY SOMEONE
COULD HAVE WARNED ME THAT I WOULD BECOME
SUCH A FOOL.I’VE DONE GREAT HARM
TO ALL MY PEOPLE,
BETRAYED THEMAND MYSELF. THIS IS THE END OF CAMELOT. NO. CAMELOT DOESN’T END THIS WAY. I KNOW. THEN I MUST NOT GIVE UP. NO, YOUR MAJESTY. FIRST, THEN,
I MUST INSPIRE LANCELOT AND MY MEN,
BUT HOW? I WISH I COULD TELL YOU. YOU SEE THEM HERE:DISPIRITED, DISHEARTENED.TOO LITTLE HAVE I CARED
FOR THEIR ADVICE.
I MUST FIND A WAY TO LEARN
FROM THESE GOOD MEN AS I DID FROM THOSE PEASANTS
IN THE INN WHEN WE SAT ROUND– YES? I SAT THERE WITH THOSE PEASANTS
IN THE ROUND AND LOOKED EACH ONE
WHO SAT THERE IN THE EYE. SEEKING COUNSEL
IS NO WEAKNESS BUT MY STRENGTH. MEN, HERE, MOVE THESE BENCHES AND TABLES
INTO ONE GREAT CIRCLE. HERE, LIKE THIS. HERE. NOW, IN THIS PRISON, WE WILL BEGIN
TO BUILD OUR KINGDOM AS IT SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.WE WILL SITAT A GREAT ROUND TABLE
WHERE WE WILL ALL HAVE A VOICE. WE WILL LISTEN TO EACH OTHER
WITH EQUAL VIGOR.WE WILL SHARE OUR SPIRITSAND IDEAS,AND TOGETHER,WE WILL BE STRONGER
AND WISER. AND UNITED, WE WILL MAKE CAMELOT THE STUFF
OF WHICH DREAMS ARE MADE. (all)
AYE! [owl hooting] [crickets chirping] [owl hooting] [pebble tapping] [women gasping] WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOUR VEILS, ALL YOUR VEILS. THROW THEM DOWN TO ME. IF YOU PLEASE, YOUR MAJESTY. GET WITH IT, GIRLS. (women)
WHAT? CLARENCE WANTS OUR VEILS. HURRY UP AND TAKE THEM OFF. HE MUST HAVE SOME UNIQUE PLAN
TO ESCAPE. OR CLARENCE
IS STRANGER THAN WE THOUGHT. IT IS THE DECISION
OF THE HIGHEST JUDGES THAT TOMORROW AT NOON, THE FIRST AND GREATEST ENEMY
OF CAMELOT SHALL BE BURNT AT THE STAKE. AND JUST WHO IS
THE GREATEST ENEMY OF CAMELOT? YOU, SIR BOSS. YOU ARE
THE GREATEST ENEMY OF CAMELOT. NO, MORGANA. BURN ME; I’M THE ONE YOU HATE. YOU, DEAR BROTHER. YOU WILL BE NEXT,
AND THEN… [laughs] ALL OF YOU! MORGANA! [Morgana laughing hysterically][rooster crowing][birds chirping]MM? WHAT? WHAT’S TODAY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
“WHAT’S TODAY?” WHAT’S TODAY’S DATE? WHAT’S TODAY? I DON’T KNOW, JUNE 20TH,
MAYBE THE 21ST. THE YEAR 528, RIGHT? THE YEAR IS TRUE. WHY? [snorts] I NEED TO KNOW
THE EXACT DATE. WHAT’S TODAY’S DATE? IS IT THE 21ST
OR THE 20TH? UH, YESTERDAY WAS THE 20TH. THAT MAKES IT… THAT MAKES IT JUNE 21, 528. WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY? THEY PLAN
TO EXECUTE YOU AT NOON. NO, SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL
IS GOING TO HAPPEN TODAY PRECISELY AT NOON,
JUNE 21, 528. WE’RE GONNA HAVE
AN ECLIPSE OF THE SUN. UH… OR WAS IT–JUNE 21ST…OR JUNE 22ND?OH, I SHOULD HAVE PAID
MORE ATTENTION IN SCHOOL. GUARD! GUARD! SIR BOSS, WHAT?WHAT ARE YOU DOING?WHAT, SIR BOSS? WHAT IS IT? GUARD! WHAT DO YOU WANT,
YOU LITTLE VARLET? TELL MORDRED
AND THE REST OF HIS CRONIES IF THEY TRY TO SO MUCH
AS SAUTE ONE FINGER OF MINE, I’M GONNA SMOTHER THE WORLD
IN ETERNAL MIDNIGHT. YOU WOULDN’T.(Karen)
WANNA BET?
I’M GONNA BLOT OUT THE SUN,AND IT’S NEVER GONNA
SHINE AGAIN.
NO, SIR BOSS. AH-AH-AHHH. NO, SIR BOSS, PLEASE. SIR BOSS, I PRAY YOU. YOU GUYS, I WAS JUST KIDDING. I’M JUST GONNA BLOT THE SUN OUT
FOR A FEW MINUTES. WHAT IF SIR BOSS WAS TRUTHFUL
ABOUT HER THREAT TO HOLD THE SUN’S LIGHT? SHE HAS SHOWN CONTROL
OVER THE ELEMENTS ONLY WITH HER LIGHTNING BOX. [laughs] TRUST ME, SHE IS A FRAUD
OF THE GREATEST PROPORTIONS. I HERE PERFORM
THE TRIPLE-CIRCLE DANCE… FOR PROTECTION. [speaking gibberish] ♪ A PYGMY
TO A GIANT ♪ SEND FORTH THE FALSE WIZARD. UGH! I DIDN’T KNOW PICKING A LOCK
WAS SO DIFFICULT. I SEE IT DONE 10, 20 TIMES
A NIGHT ON COP SHOWS. COP SHOWS? SOMETHING WE HAVE A LOT OF
WHERE I COME FROM. LET ME TRY,
YOUR MAJESTY. JUST WIGGLE IT AROUND UNTIL
YOU HIT ALL THE RIGHT GIZMOS. GIZMOS? STEP FORWARD, SIR BOSS. DON’T COME NEAR HER. YOU WILL HAVE
TO KILL US FIRST. WE WILL.(Karen)
STOP.
I’LL GO WITH YOU,
BUT YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY… I THINK. (Lancelot)
NO, SIR BOSS! GET BACK. DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS
TO SAY, SIR BOSS? YES. WHAT TIME IS IT?(Merlin)
‘TIS THE HOUR OF NOON,
AND I PREDICT BAD WEATHERONLY FOR YOU. PUT HER TO THE TORCH. WAIT! IF YOU SO MUCH AS TRY
TAKING ONE STEP TOWARD ME, I’LL BLOT OUT THE SUN,
AND YOU’LL NEVER HAVEFRESH VEGETABLES,EVEN IF
YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT,
WHICH IT DOES. TIE HER TO THE STAKE. WHY DIDN’T I PAY MORE ATTENTION
IN SCHOOL? WHY? [snoring] [snoring] MMPH!(man)
LOOK, LOOK THERE.
(Karen)
ALL RIGHT!
(man)
HOW STRANGE.
(Morgana)
WHAT IS IT?
(man)
SEE HOW IT MOVES.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW,
MOTHER DEAR?(Karen)
I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU
I’D BLOT OUT THE SUN.
IF WE KILL HER,WE’LL KILL THE SPELL.(man)
STOP HER!
(Morgana)
GET HER! I’LL CUT YOUR HEART OUT
WITH MY OWN HANDS.(Karen)
PUT ME DOWN!
MORDRED! LANCELOT! [laughs] PRETENDER. (Mordred)
TIME TO DIE. MORGANA. FAIR, SWEET GUINEVERE, YOU ARE DEAD! AUUUGH! UGH! [gasping] THAT’S FOR SIR BOSS. COME BACK,
YOU LITTLE URCHIN. COME–WAIT, WAIT. I JUST–
I’M NOT GOING TO HURT– I WANT TO JUST TALK TO YOU. [grunting](Clarence)
COME ON!
COME ON! THIS WAY. WOW. GREAT HEAVENS.QUICK, COME ON!FASTER. QUICK. SIR BOSS! SIR BOSS, WAIT! (Clarence)
THE SANDBAGS, UNTIE THEM, QUICK!ALL RIGHT, THEN.
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
THIS–THIS SPELL NEVER FAILS.IF I CAN’T DESTROY YOU,I’LL PUT YOU TO SLEEP. I COMMAND YOU TO SLEEP
FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS! HUNDREDS OF YEARS! ♪ SLEEP, SLEEP,
CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪ ♪ GO TO BED ♪ ♪ FOR A BIG SURPRISE! ♪ [laughing hysterically]HUNDREDS OF YEARS!HUNDREDS OF YEARS![laughing](Karen)
GOOD-BYE, KING ARTHUR. GOOD-BYE, QUEEN GUINEVERE
AND LANCELOT.I’M GONNA MISS YOU.(Arthur)
GOOD-BYE, SIR BOSS,
AND THANK YOU.
(Karen)
UH-OH.
I GUESS YOU CAN’T ARGUE
WITH DESTINY.
[sweeping orchestral music] ♪ ♪ WHAT’S THE MATTER? MERLIN’S SPELL. MERLIN, HEISA REAL MAGICIAN. I TOLD YOU SO. HE’S AFTER ME. HE’S AFTER ME. HE’S AFTER ME. HE’S AFTER ME. (Liz)
KAREN. HE’S AFTER ME. HE’S AFTER ME.HE’S AFTER ME.(Liz)
NOBODY’S AFTER YOU.
(Karen)
HE’S AFTER ME.
HE’S AFTER ME.
(Liz)
NOBODY’S AFTER YOU.
YOU FELL OFF A HORSE. BUT MERLIN’S
REALLY AFTER ME. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, KAREN? OF COURSE I’M OKAY. THEN WHAT’S MY NAME? IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR NAME,
I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU. I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW
HALF THE STORY. WELL, AT LEAST YOU DON’T SEEM
TO HAVE BROKEN ANY BONES. I WAS IN CAMELOT, LIZ. I MET KING ARTHUR,
QUEEN GUINEVERE– YOU’RE GONNA NEED
YOUR HEAD EXAMINED. I WAS SIR BOSS. I HAD MY OWN LOFT. BUT I ALMOST GOT
MY HEAD CHOPPED OFF. I’M GONNA HAVE TO TELL MOM
ABOUT YOU BORROWING A HORSE. NO, YOU’RE NOT. YES, I WILL. NO, YOU CAN’T. I’M GONNA TELL HER. SHE’S GONNA BLAME ME ANYWAY,
YOU KNOW. NO, SHE’S NOT. I’M GONNA TELL HER
IT’S ALL MY FAULT. I CAN HANDLE IT. YOU MUST HAVE BANGED YOUR HEAD
HARDER THAN I THOUGHT. IT WAS AN ADVENTURE. I MET KING ARTHUR,
QUEEN GUINEVERE, AND SIR LANCELOT. MY BEST FRIEND’S NAME
WAS CLARENCE. [laughs]
YOU WOULD HAVE
REALLY LIKED HIM.HE WAS DEFINITELY A PAGE,
NOT A PARAGRAPH AT ALL.
[laughs]Captioning byCaptionMax
www.captionmax.com

63 Responses

  1. fernando velez says:

    donde la veo en espaรฑol

  2. Carly Shuman says:

    cool movie

  3. Carly Shuman says:

    the queen dancing to 80s music weird

  4. Carly Shuman says:

    the evil queen from willow hope king Arthur stays alive

  5. Crystal Sard says:

    Recorded this movie off the tv when I was a kid. It cut off the last 1/2 hour and I never saw the ending. I still watched it OVER AND OVER. So nice to finally see it all. lol Thanks.

  6. Nona Nazemian says:

    emshab ke dire, farda negah mikonam

  7. td fisk says:

    Early political correctness, the original character was a white man. I suppose it's not as bad as totally butchering The Wizard of Oz by using black ghetto drug dealers and prostitutes. I do wonder when they are going to make a movie about George Washington using a black female actor. This type of political passive aggression isn't going to work, nearly all Americans don't hate each other and never will.

    Thomas

  8. Nona Nazemian says:

    Khyli filme ghashangiye, daste shoma dard nakone

  9. TzCkk says:

    WE WUZ KINGS

  10. CubanPete1990 says:

    Hey I seen this TV movie on the Disney Channel back then in the mid 1990's!

  11. Twitch1872 says:

    I cant believe I just realized they made this a movie
    I still cant believe i read the book…

  12. Alfredo Juillet says:

    Horrible, el heroe del libro es un hombre blanco, y aparece una negrita infantil. Gran invento del tonto director. Con razon nadie ha visto este bodrio. Ademas en el libro el hombre blanco crea generadores de corriente, motores a vapor, etc. y aca apuesto a que no inventan ni el volantin. Chao.

  13. ferreday1 says:

    Badly made bad acting nothing good to be said about this nonsense the Bing Crosby version was better the radio play was superb

  14. rosper797 says:

    Watch another version – A knight in camelot (Whoopi Goldberg)

  15. kevinflynn14 says:

    I figure that I would just watch this just because I have to read the Twain version in a humanities class. Does anyone own a hard copy that could tell me how many pages??? can't find on google.

  16. Lolo Blackta says:

    what is the name of the music at the end?

  17. Stuart Gathman says:

    While the original story is the poster child for post-modernism, and the cute girl as Sir Boss was enjoyable – I was surprised to find that the music was the most jarring barrier to suspended disbelief. I suppose authentic music from the the 1st millennium would not go over with modern audiences – but the period chosen kept making me do double takes on the costumes and props, as I kept seeing late European royalty at first. One exception was the feast when our heroine first sets eye on the court – the background music sounded more ancient (I don't know if it actually was). I actually found going with modern music in the Bing Crosby Connecticut Yankee flick, a better choice. Having the royal ladies dance to hip-hop and learn karate was easy to accept given the setup.

    The PC messages were mostly reasonable – except for "there is no difference between sir and lady". Someone needs to explain the difference between "equality" (under the law) and "equivalence" to the script writers.

  18. middleC17 says:

    Wow I've been looking for this since I saw it when I was really little. I remember being really jealous that I couldn't time travel. Thanks for the upload!

  19. Faizan Rizvi says:

    thank you for posting this. I watched this as a kid in 1990s and I was looking for it. thank you

  20. Neil Soulman Hagan says:

    this is precious, I remember reading the classic and watching the cartoon back in the late 70's, I love this remake, great entertainment for kids and adults alike

  21. DeeNice681 says:

    Cosby kids were everywhere in the 80s!

  22. bazoo 77 says:

    Wow thank you

  23. saltyninja says:

    Does ANYONE else remember the animated version of this story? It was one of my favorites as a kid (mid to late 80s) and I can't find any reference to it on the internet so I'm starting to lose my mind…..!

  24. TheaterPup says:

    Still have this on VHS, nice to see a sharper copy!

  25. ODB says:

    Wow we just had a solar eclipse yesterday.

  26. rachel183321 says:

    I love this movie

  27. Cabe565 says:

    What a horrible rendition.

  28. Braydon Dodd says:

    Comeon bro. It's supposed to be the sixth century-i wasn't expecting actual olde English, but at least lemme hear some Elizabeth English, theyve done little more than than switch the verbs and the pronouns…

  29. Swanofdreamers says:

    So great to see this again after all these years!

  30. Gwir Galon says:

    The actors are so good, they keep in perfect character despite the obvious new take of the idea. As if it were Shakespeare at Stratfordn bless 'em, which is a lovely support for her, and makes it work, and gives to think. I think that Mark Twain would have gone for the idea as his own vision of the why of his story-telling in general as well..

  31. Mar Yati says:

    thank you for the upload! miss this movie so much. Watched it as a kids

  32. Marilou Douc says:

    I really love this movie it's really beautiful and the actors are playing really good and i added another character which is Princess Alice the daughter of King Arthur and instead of Karen saying what she said to the guard it is Alice doing that.

  33. Marilou Douc says:

    I really wonder what would the king and his knights do if Alice said that to the guard?.

  34. Ellie Wong says:

    I usually hate twists on classics…but this is quite charming and cute….

  35. Zennabella says:

    GOOD MOVIE, REMINDS ME A BIT OF SPELLBINDER A TV SHOW.. SIMILAR IDEAS.

  36. tupacamaru2 says:

    Surprised she didn't keel over from their awful smell!!

  37. blackhawk says:

    Lame… it tried to be cute but turned rancid and a tad rabid. Me too generation primer… punched out at the 60 minute mark; 60 wasted minutes:(

  38. john mcclearen says:

    What a load of garbage ! And I see so many comments here about how good it is. The original movie version with Bing Crosby is something both kids and adults can enjoy with better acting, script, and production. Too bad the original version has been repressed since this PC piece of C came out. Everyone do yourself and your family a favor and watch the original. Then compare notes.

  39. KoKeeKola says:

    The one with Bing Crosby is loads better.

  40. Jango IG88 says:

    A great classic

  41. Void Narrations says:

    Man what the hell is Burt Gummer up to??

  42. SirParcifal says:

    OMG so happy to find this!!! KIDS need to watch more things like this!

  43. SirParcifal says:

    P.S. this reminds me a bit of Monty Python!

  44. Layarion says:

    wait, is there more than one movie adaptation of this book?

  45. Elaine Hopgood says:

    No

  46. Aeris Reyha says:

    I think the king is such an idiot… And the main character isn't smart…
    It irritate me to watch this movie… Maybe because I always read many fantasy stories about modern people come back to medieval era… They always teach the people with modern knowledge…

    This film is so stupid for genre that have future people that come to the past…

  47. Alvin says:

    โค๏ธ

  48. xxLyssa lulu 007 says:

    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  49. OldsVistaCruiser says:

    Hello-Central! Where are the telephones? The steam railroads? The arms factories? No base-ball? No dynamiting Merlin's tower with a lightning rod? The "bicycles" are drasines, which were in vogue 50 years before Hank's era.

  50. Raza says:

    42:46 Princess leia and r2d2

  51. -Gemberkoekje- says:

    They are realy OK with a small black girl having no clue what's going on or where she is in medival England

  52. Mostwanted says:

    WTF is with the Black people. No wonder this failed

  53. Willa Jenkins says:

    Really cute and funny.More. please….

  54. Linda Lee says:

    Cute and family friendly version of Mark Twain's novel.
    Thanks bunches.

  55. mortalkaiban says:

    Bruh I went from researching this novel at library for school to watching the whole movie lol It kind of reminds me of Midnight In Paris too.

  56. Christian Elbrianno Yoga says:

    7:59 It should be OOF

  57. JRZTT says:

    Aww I thought this follow the book, I wanna see the duel with Merlin, the use of modern tech in past time instead of children who don't know much about anything.

  58. Lola Shevoshanko says:

    I used to love watching this when I was younger. I remember developing an odd crush on Mordred despite him being evil and all lol but this is such a cute movie, thank you so much for posting ๐Ÿ™‚

  59. Krystal Russell says:

    I love this.

  60. anya douc says:

    i love this.It's beautiful and well edited but what would happen if alice the king's younger sister was with karen and she was training for knighthood and found love with sir Lancelot what would her brother and his wife do when they find out?.

  61. Adรฉlรฉsia says:

    Thank you for posting it !!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

  62. Litle Trickster says:

    The first ever isekai

  63. Pockets MacCartney says:

    what a cute movie.

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